Here’s the thing about unsolicited dick pics:

(Oh, I’ve got buckets of Goldblum reaction photos, so just try me. At least three other candidates for disgust, this one just happened to have the right amount of “really?” in it.)

I know I’ve written about this before, but due to recent events (or rather, a recent event), I think it bears repeating. Not that I think it will have an impact on unsolicited dick pics sent worldwide, but because when you get an unsolicited dick pic, it can really throw off your whole afternoon. And when things throw off my whole afternoon, I tend to write about them.

If you are considering sending an unsolicited dick pic, please keep the following in mind:

1. Don’t.

2. “Unsolicited” means that no one requested a picture of your dick. And if no one requested it, probably no one wants to see it. Considering this, please refer to #1.

3. There’s really no difference between someone receiving an unsolicited dick pic on their phone and being flashed while riding on the bus. Considering the role our phones play in our lives, the proximity and discomfort levels feel almost the same for the recipient and the levels of inferiority and shame should feel almost the same for the person with the dick.

4. If you have suggested that you would like to send an unsolicited dick pic to someone and they explicitly advise against that action, again, please refer to #1. This is especially the case when the advice against that action include the words “No, no, a thousand times no” and/or “Dude, no. Seriously. I have zero interest in that.” Ignoring this advice is very stupid, indeed, and suggests that sharing a picture of your dick is less about impressing the recipient and more about your bizarre need to validate the existence of your own gentitalia.

5. Just because a person has a generally polite tone while telling you “No, no, a thousand times no” and/or “Dude, no. Seriously. I have zero interest in that,” that doesn’t mean they’re asking you to convince them to happily receive a picture of your dick. They are not asking to see it. Implying either of these – or really any answer in the positive as long as the recipient is not actively tasing you or calling the cops – is really dicey territory and would skeeze out nearly anyone who hears it, as it’s really fucking close to the kind of mentality held by rapists. Am I suggesting that you are raping someone by sending them an unsolicited dick pic? No. Am I suggesting that you’re the kind of person who thinks a woman in slutty clothes is asking for a certain level of attention no matter what she says with her mouth? Mmmmmaybe.

6. Ask yourself: is it reasonable to expect feedback about your dick pic? Like, after it’s sent against someone’s will, and after they express displeasure at having received it? If not (and the answer is always “not”), then why are you asking for it? What are you looking for here? Am I supposed to be the webMD of dick pics? You need my professional opinion? How are you over 30 years old without a strong enough estimation of your own penis that you need to know what I think of it?

7. While we’re on the topic of feedback, what do you expect me to say? Do you expect me to be overwhelmed with the beauty of your dick and shower it with compliments while describing in detail all of the ways in which I’d like to be violated by it? Is that what you want? Oh, it is. Huh. Ummmm. Sorry? That’s not my texting style. Not now, not ever, not even when I’m super duper horny (because I have an imagination, access to pornography, and a boyfriend, you fucking dweeb).

8. SO you shouldn’t be surprised when I provide you with an honest assessment of your dick. Which, let’s be real, isn’t going to blow anyone away. I mean, it’s probably not embarrassingly small – I assume that if it was, you wouldn’t be so keen on sending pictures of it to people against their will – but probably the best dick pic feedback you can expect from me is a succinct “Average.” For one, I’m under no obligation to provide you with feedback, and would probably prefer to be burning down my phone. For two, I’m 32 years old. Like most people my age, I’ve seen my fair share of dicks. I know what they look like. I can guess what yours looks like if I’m so inclined, which I’m not. You’d have to possess some freakish proportions or attributes for me to find your dick remarkable (that is, worth remarking upon), and even if this was the case, remember that I don’t want to be having this conversation, anyway. I’m just trying to drive it into the ground with a rusty fucking nail, which, coincidentally, is also what I feel like doing to your dick when I’m cornered by it.

9. Your preoccupation with your dick – sending a picture of it, talking about it, etc. – means you have a far greater interest in it than I ever will. Does this not concern you? Doesn’t it seem weird? I don’t care about your dick. I assume that if I did, I’d have regular, real-life access to it. I already have access to someone else’s dick, and he has the decency not to send me pictures of it because (among other reasons) he’s aware that I don’t have amnesia and can therefore recall it whenever I want without the aid of intrusive text messages.

1. 10 (which didn’t copy well for some reason). Personal experience aside, I think that we as a society need to examine the practice of sending unsolicited dick pics. They’re rude. They’re unnecessary. They’re uncomfortable and can really crap up someone’s day. And if you’re sending one to someone you know, it can really lower their opinion of you. The rules surrounding the sending of dick pics should be the same as the rules surrounding general sexual activity. If someone doesn’t specifically, directly tell you that they want it – don’t give it to them. Don’t guess. Don’t assume. Don’t say “fuck it” because your dick is somehow more important than someone else’s consent.

11. Don’t.