Months and months and maybe even early last year ago, I posted something on Twitter about how I’d never taken Ambien but was interested in what would happen if I did, and by that I mean I’d “do” Ambien instead of “take” it (because that’s the difference between recreation and medicine) and that I was mostly curious about what results my drugged-up online shopping would accrue.

I still haven’t taken Ambien. Haven’t done it, either. Also, since I’m not spending any money, my online shopping habits are zero. And while I haven’t sleepwalked in at least 20 years, last night I apparently spent some time on Twitter in my sleep. No tweets to show for it, but I did end up following a handful of people I don’t know for reasons Awake Me would never be able to explain, and also, for some reason, all of them are British.

I unfollowed them all this morning after browsing their timelines and ascertaining that none of them are especially funny and most of them abuse hashtags. I can’t remember a dream in which I was using Twitter (if you were wondering, my main dream was about me being a wizard and being pissed off that Gandalf didn’t respect me enough) and the people I followed don’t follow me, anyone I follow, or even each other. Aside from being British and fascinating to Asleep Me, there is nothing connecting them at all.

So I don’t need Ambien. I don’t need shopping. I just need a charging phone next to my bed and I can have all of the nocturnal adventures I want and plenty of baffling evidence in the morning.