I can see why you think I’m drunk, what with the swaying and the unfocused eyes and the sometimes bumping into stationary objects like walls. I can see how me saying “whoooooa” a lot makes me seem intoxicated, as does the generally confused manner in which I am stumbling around the drugstore mumbling what sounds like “how can a Walgreens not carry any goddamn Dramamine?”

But I’m not drunk.

I just have vertigo.

Parxysmal vertigo with mild acquired nystagmus, actually, which means that I’m dizzy for no particular reason but not nauseous or in pain, and also my right eye has started to do that wobbly thing that my most stupid cat does with both of his eyes. Trying to find a level, I guess, which is annoying to have but it does provide me with some insight to that cat’s behavior.

It started when I was on my way to work yesterday. While I was driving on the viaduct, I remember thinking that something might be in my eye. I blinked hard a few times and it seemed to go away. I felt a little dizzy during the rest of my drive, but figured it was just my body not wanting to go to work, and because a) I have to go to work and b) my family motto could be any of the following:

“Shake it off.”
“I’M NOT YELLING DO YOU WANT TO HEAR YELLING?!”
“I’ll give you something to cry about.”

…I wasn’t too concerned and told myself to get over it. It wasn’t until I was in the office and realized that I couldn’t walk without holding onto the wall and even closing my eyes gave me the major drunk spins without ever having consumed any alcohol. That’s when I knew something was wrong.

People at work told me to get Dramamine, so I got that. A friend on the Internet sent me a video for exercises to get the little stones from the wrong part of the inner ear into the correct part, and I’m working on those. The doctor I saw yesterday gave me a long look when I told her I drive to work and said “Do you actually feel safe driving? I’m just going to write you a note” and that’s why I haven’t picked up any cat litter yet although I really, really need to.

Things are a little less spinny today than they have been, although I haven’t tried out any of the big triggers yet (standing up, looking from side to side like I’m ready to back out of a parking spot) and my depth perception isn’t great. I didn’t feel dizzy when I woke up (previously, even turning over on my other side was enough to set everything off), so I’m hoping that today sets me up to be a little less drunk/vertiginous and a little more stable.

So here’s to looking straight ahead all the time, here’s to feeling drunk for absolutely free, here’s to 50mg of Dramamine to sing you to your sleep with the hope that tomorrow, the world will stay still.