If you’re like me and the thought of going to the grocery store on a weekend fills you with a dread you most closely associate with being called to the board to complete a long division problem in 3^rd grade (and you were shit at math), then I have a tip for you:

Go while your city’s football team is playing a game that determines if they make it to the Super Bowl.

Of course, this will only work if you don’t really care about football. If you don’t, then congratulations! The store will be practically empty and most of the snack foods that you shouldn’t buy anyway will be out of stock!

Although I experienced this weird thing where even though I don’t really care about football or parties held because of football or anything like that, I felt this urge to make foods associated with watching football. This may be because I grew up in the era of Green Bay Packers domination, but earlier this evening, I had to stop myself from snapping up bags of tater tots to make a buffalo sauce-flavored hot dish.

So hey, body, you’re welcome.

(This will not stop me from thawing the cauliflower fritters I froze months ago and repurposing them into a sort of casserole with shredded chicken, sweet potatoes, bleu cheese, and, yes, buffalo sauce. I win many battles but I always lose the war.)

I think the Seahawks are losing right now, and again, I care very little about this sort of thing. I’m a bit concerned about Josh’s blood pressure during this game, but outside of that, I kiiiiiind of want the 49ers to win? No team loyalty reasons, it’s just that I knew they were favored in this game so I entered “49ERS” into the Postmates app this week because if they win, then I get a discount on a delivery fee equal to the number of points they scored. Add this to the standing $5 discount I have after last week’s super late delivery and I’m looking at another lazy meal acquisition that doesn’t require me to put on real pants.