Gather ‘round, o’ blog readers of all stripes, and by that I mean the regular, the occasional, the stalkers, and the random Google searchers. For it is that time of year when we take stock of our blessings and gird our loins for the joys, heartbreak, and absurdities of yet another year. It’s also when we publish the Hipster Band Name list, which is only in its third year of existence but has proved so popular that I receive cross-country texts and Facebook messages throughout the year from both friends and people I barely even know because they’ve been seized by the spirit of the list and graciously wish to contribute.

As always, if you’re new to this, the Hipster Band Name list is an annual list of what we think would be good hipster band names. Graham and I started it after proposing a website that sells band names to unimaginative hipsters.* The stories behind the hipster band names – when there are stories instead of just words that sound great – aren’t revealed, but you’re free to think whatever you want.

Last year’s Hipster Band Name list came in just shy of 160 names. But 2013 – 2013, comrades – 2013’s list comes in barely under 170. And what’s most interesting to me is that while the list of band names is longer, the list of contributors is shorter. More fertile minds this year, I guess. We originally planned to separate this list into album titles and genres, but then it got a little out of hand and let’s get real, I am the only one involved with the final step of organizing, formatting, and publishing, so hey! If you want to take a crack at that step, be my guest. Knock Yourself Out. Which I think will be the first entry for the 2014 list.

Ladies and gentlemen, friends old, new, and very, very strange, I wish you a lovely New Year and I gladly present to you:

The 2013 Hipster Band Name List

Sex Pants
Sgt Meowenstein
Ear Peace
Reap What You Blow
Me Pirate, Within
The Sagacious Platitudes
Red Dye 40-Ounce
Alcopone
Soul Vomit
Bolshevik Diorama
Knitwear On Fire
East Dakota
West Dakota
Homosexual Crotch Rockets
What Is Dirty Electro
Discount Noise Control
Fair Trade Bowie
Butt Hive
Another Fucking Apartment Fire
Trial By Flyer
Whorefrost
Pillow Prison
Hooker With a Mint
Gentleman’s Rag
TactileTextual
A Parliament of Owls
Michael Bay of Pigs
Stab City
Substance D
Sticking Your Dick in a Protestant Pussy
Sadness Shaped Ghost
A Baby Named Abraxas
The Backflip Super Kicks
The Real Kind
Acid Horse
Nub Wagger
Slizz Police
Snownado
The Pouty Tantrums
The Patent Trolls
Semicomma
The Thugsluts
Because We’re Models
Claire Danes Macabre
Vagiant
Rotten Noise Zeros
The Former Popes
Confidential Pap Smear
Centaur Baby!
Bumshanked
Abraham Lurkin’
Cat Hair and Glitter
Very Sexy Nightmares
The Hooting Proletariat
Gay Conclave
The Great Delay
Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams
The Sexist Male IT Industry
Urban Sassafras
Gummy Bear Racists
Whiskey Dick’s Pheasant Ranch
Aggressively Vapid
Kitten-Shaped Soul
Tall Polite Riot
Pre-Swimmers
Substitute Pope
Dapper Dirtbag
Girls Night Out Rock N Roll Tsunami
Cheater Mormon
The Piss Yard Kids
Snakes in the Corn
8 Pound Hand
Kite Fight!
Jesus Was a Centaur
Confidence Conjuror
The Strep Butts
The Second Basemobile
Norwegian Crusted Scabies
My Friends’ Ex-Wives
Hobo Chainz
Acoustic Neuroma
Boner Medicine
Fuck Nora Ephron
Garbage Alert
The Indigenous Twigs
Schrodinger’s Dishwasher
The Bonus Selfies
Buddhist Breaking Point
Baby Jail
The Space Gems
The Screamin’ Thigh Sweats
Goreskin
Tampons Savonneaux
Hot Box Babes
Orgasmich
FUN CHRIST YES GO
The One Percentipede
Bruised Up Babies
Taco Assassin
Space Wraith
Slightly Smug
Tectonic Selfies
Sensual Karate
The Dumpster Trophies
Fat Kid Pride
What Neurons Remain
Fryer Nugget
Splinterdick
Shybrows
Fair Weather Farmers
Some Gucci Motherfuckers
Gary Lazerballs
Bitch Otter
Killing Everything But Otters Eagles and Wolves
The Baby Cucumber Code
Hot Tub Hallucinogens
Hammerhead Sperm
Beard Fight
A Dry Dream
Lyrical Cockpunch
You People
The Republicants
Double Amputee Mountaineer
Cripple Campers
Skin Banjo
Tramp Scamp
Samurai Twins
Acceptable Penis
Closet Juggalo
Shitty Hockey
Done Been Tryin’
Morales Genius
Monsters in the Front
The Molar Majority
Pookiesnackenberger
George J. and the Button-Pushers
Potlikker
Fuck You, Dear
(Don’t Pick On) Sugartits
Chicken Police
Grammar Dad
The Ham Nuggets
Grimace Was the Black One
That’s Not My Porn
Cheeto Glue
The Sex Triggers
Crazy Asian ‘Stache
Frankensandwich
Cockpoet
Amaranth Pop
Vegan Beefcheek
Mermaid Rescue
Zuul-Face Killah
Mormonized Vampires
The Naked Orientals
Burmese Mud
Taupe-Colored Zebra Project
Dense Undergrowth
Borderland Beau Bose
The Cleveland Hittite Experience
Lesbian Cougars
Duffer
I Could Go On Forever
Conniption Misfits
The Vacuous Bimbo Brigade
Taco Assassins
The Insulation of Smog
Bed Bath and Beyoncé
Holy Fucking Shit I Thought You Were Kidding

Thanks to: James, Jen, Luke, Josh, McD, Chris, Tim, Stephie, Rod, Crossley, Matt P., Brennan, Courtney, Philip K. Dick, Christy, Kat, West Seattle Bowl, Nate, Nick, Roy, Vern, Darren, the Indiana Tollivers, Rachel, Dylan, Mike and Abbi, Cheers, Kirk Cameron’s Twitter, Jess, a sidewalk in Tacoma, Al, Maria Sherman of Buzzfeed, Rene, King, Isabel, Alison, Chris B., Jenny Beatty, JT, Vanessa, Arjun and Huff

*The content of erineph.com is protected by a Creative Commons license, which I know isn’t a big deal to some of you, but it still means that anything you take from me without my permission is stolen, and everyone knows that stealing gives you AIDS. If you or someone you know would like to use one of our hipster band names, please contact me and I’ll give you the address to which you can send two (2) band t-shirts. We pick the sizes.