I’m ate a Frankensandwich just now. I made it almost 45 minutes ago, but it had to spend some time sitting under the weight of a couple of Thanksgiving leftover containers in the possibly vain effort to squish the sandwich down to a size I’d be able to fit in my mouth.

What’s a Frankensandwich? A Frankensandwich is the sandwich you make after Thanksgiving that contains as many of the leftovers as you can fit on some bread. This year’s Frankensandwich is made with three slices of challah (because CHA-LLLLAAAHHHHH!), mayo, homemade mustard*, a smash of Josh’s and Nick’s stuffings, Graham’s turkey, Courtney’s cranberry sauce, and Mike’s sweet potatoes. Today’s Frankensandwich is my second Frankensandwich of the year; I made one for lunch yesterday and got laughed at by the ladies in my office who clearly know nothing about food.

While eating my Frankensandwich, I finished 71.4% of my Christmas shopping. No really, I asked Google for the percentage of 5 out of 7 people crossed off my list as complete and that’s the actual number. Not even December yet and not once did I have to change into real pants or put down my food.

(I love you, Internet.)

Numbers 6 and 7 on my list are my father and my grandmother. My father’s gift has already been decided, I just have to leave the house to get it and that can wait until next week (it would be tomorrow, but Rachel and I are walking on Alki because, as she said, “The weather looks ok for Seattle on Sunday – 53 and rainy.” Italics are mine). I also have to pick up the bags of coffee I throw in as extras for my parents and sister, which I’m pretty sure is the law for when you live in Seattle and your family doesn’t.

As for me, I haven’t asked for anything this year. It’s not that I don’t want presents (everyone wants presents, if they say they don’t then they’re lying), I just can’t think of anything to ask for, a condition that started sometime in my mid-20’s because I’m an adult now and when I want something, I just buy it for myself right away or push it to the corner of my brain that still thinks I might actually win the lottery sometime.

Actually, hang on, I can think of things I want, but these fall into the category of “no way in hell could I ever ask for these, since most of them are either very expensive or require more research than I could expect another person to undertake on my behalf (because I am neither willing nor able to return the favor).” But since it doesn’t hurt to write them down for when I’m asked to remember them…

The Drunken Botanist, by Amy N. Stewart
S., by JJ Abrams and Doug Dorst
Toro Bravo, by Liz Crain, John Gorham, and David Reamer
Ottolenghi, by Sami Tamimi
Roberta’s Cookbook, by Carlo Mirarchi, Brandon Hoy, Chris Parachini, and Katherine Wheelock
The entire set of the America’s Test Kitchen cookbooks, you know, for anyone who recently won the lottery or something.
The Sandman Omnibus, again, for anyone who recently won the lottery or something (because daaaaamn the books I want are expensive).
A new immersion blender, or at least the part I need since mine went all wobbly in the motor.
A cast iron skillet
A recipe book that isn’t the dumb hipsterish cardboard-and-metal rings nonsense I have now, god I hate myself for buying that thing.
Some really nice orange bitters…you know, let’s just make that a set of ingredients I need to make myself a really nice Old Fashioned.
A handful of these.
Aaaaand almost everything in this shop.

I can get at least five of those things at a shop right down the street from my house (and will probably pick up the recipe book today, since I’m thinking of it and I truly do hate the book I already have). Everything else goes on my wish list for Someday, that amorphous point in time where I magically have the money, time, and memory to pick myself up something nice.

*Oh right, I made homemade mustard the other day. It’s crazy easy – I took about a cup of black mustard seeds from our CSA, soaked them in a mixture of beer and apple cider vinegar for a day and a half, drained most of that, and then whizzed the remaining liquid and all of the seeds in a food processor with salt, honey, and brown sugar until the oil inside the seeds emulsified into what looked like whole grain mustard. Then I added turmeric for color, and a little bit of olive oil, and then I whizzed it some more and it’s TERRIFIC.

About erineph

I'm Erin. I have tattoos and more than one cat. I am an office drone, a music writer, and an erstwhile bartender. I am a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen. Things I enjoy include but are not limited to zombies, burritos, Cthulhu, Kurt Vonnegut, Keith Richards, accordions, perfumery, and wearing fat pants in the privacy of my own home.
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