I may write some hot shit about eating well and belonging to a CSA, but if I’m being completely honest, sometimes even I am appalled by what I’m able to put into my mouth. Especially lately. Okay, sure, like I said, I have the CSA and we used up the majority of it in only a few days (and even though I bragged about how I’d use the spinach, I found it super wilted yesterday – not slimy, but wilted – so now I guess it’s wasted and I have to buy those produce bags I’ve always mocked?), but other than that, I’ve been craving some not-so-good dietary ideas lately, and just so you know, I am absolutely not pregnant. Not even with emotion.
I think it’s allergies. I get major allergy issues probably twice a year, the kind that make existence miserable and looking or sounding like a human being impossible. My eyes swell up and pour tears and somehow my throat gets sore so I lose my voice, and this goes on for about a week and then disappears for another six months. I thought I’d been successfully avoiding it do far, but I’m just starting to feel that itchy pressure in my head again, so probably the rest isn’t far behind.
The runny nose part is already here, as is the mouth-breathing/chapped lips combo and the gunk that won’t stop coming out of my eyes. But another symptom that I’m pretty sure has to do with all of this shit in my nasal cavities (which extend to the back of the throat, where the tongue is rooted) is that my sense of taste is all fucked up. The things that once tasted great like coffee, beer, or candy have turned sour or tasteless with an unpleasant after-flavor, and the things I didn’t like before like uni are suddenly as rich as butter.
Speaking of butter, did you know that you can melt it into Tabasco and it becomes buffalo sauce (basically)? Or that you can just buy gigantic bottles of Frank’s Red Hot Buffalo Sauce in the store, and they’re almost always on sale? And that if you’re having weird food issues like me, that strange, chemical tang of buffalo sauce is suddenly one of the most appealing things in the world?
I told you, it’s getting weird. And although I haven’t pursued the below (yet), I can’t say I won’t, and if you offered any of these to me, I’d probably steal it straight off by punching you in the stomach and running away.
Chef Boyardee – Maybe one can of ravioli every couple of months. I know it’s mushy and crappy and the salt content makes my ankles swell, but it hits the spot in a way that few things can. And, um, it’s possible that my one-ravioli-every-couple-of-months rule will disappear and I will straight up eat Beefaroni straight from the can, I don’t give a fuck.
Pizza rolls – Just give me a 25% off bag of Totino’s pizza rolls (which, in a dream world, would be the unfortunately-named but awesomely-tasting Cheesy Taco, now discontinued for some fucking reason, TOTINO’S) and an hour of uninterrupted Netflix time and I am the happiest person on Earth.
Jarred salsa – Yes, I know how easy it is to make fresh salsa, and I know how much better homemade salsa tastes. But sometimes I have to trick my brain into thinking that some salty tomato puree is actually a vegetable, and whatever anyway, because the Reagan administration did it first with ketchup in school lunches.
McDonald’s fries – Can’t help it. Doesn’t even matter if I’m on my period. I want those fucking fries and I don’t care what “Fast Food Nation” had to say about them.
Cheese cubes – Not cubes of decent cheese you’ve cut yourself, but those waxy, neon orange cubes of processed “cheddar” found in grocery store veggie platters. These things are hideous excuses for cheese, but woe is the co-worker who leaves me alone with a little well of these fuckers next to some hyper-questionable “summer sausage” slices.
White people Mexican food – Sometimes you just need a deep-fried burrito.
White chocolate – But only in those white chocolate-macadamia cookies from Costco that taste like salt and shortening but that I horde when someone new gets hired at work and my bosses buy pizza and cookies for everyone. Costco pizza tastes like shitpoison. Costco cookies do, too, just a more appealing version.
Cosmic Brownies – So much better than regular fake brownies from a cellophane package!
German potato salad – And not necessarily the homemade kind, either, although Graham once made some that tasted amazing. I have zero problems with grocery store German potato salad, although I do concede that it’s better when you have actual German people in your neighborhood (my current neighborhood grocery store is in a former Scandinavian fishing community, so everything in its deli case contains a disappointing abundance of mayonnaise).
Casserole – People talk shit on casseroles, but really they’re the best possible thing you can make or eat. I’m not even ashamed about how much I love casseroles, because every time I make one, I’ve got leftovers for days and Graham’s going to eat it, too. Have a whole bunch of stuff on hand? Put it in a dish with some cheese and stick that shit in the oven. It’s magic. It’s nostalgia. It’s one fucking prep dish to wash. You’ll like it, your friends will like it, and making it will allow you to you feel slightly better about all the garbage you’ve been (dreaming about) shoving into your facehole.