It was about 85 degrees in Seattle yesterday and predicted to hit 95 today, which has everyone in the city FREAKING THE FUCK OUT because apparently, this kind of heat and almost zero fucking humidity (at least, humidity the way I and other native St. Louisans know it) will kill us all.

Seriously, there’s even a severe weather warning for it. It says:

“VERY WARM WEATHER WILL CONTINUE ACROSS WESTERN WASHINGTON THROUGH EARLY NEXT WEEK.

DAYTIME TEMPERATURES WILL CLIMB INTO THE 70S AND 80S ACROSS THE WESTERN WASHINGTON LOWLANDS THIS WEEKEND…HOT WEATHER TENDS TO LURE MANY TO AREA RIVERS AND LAKES. PLEASE BE AWARE THAT THE WATER

ESPECIALLY IN THE RIVERS

IS COLD ENOUGH TO BE HAZARDOUS. IN ADDITION RIVER CURRENTS ARE STRONG THIS TIME OF YEAR.”

Oh no, the 70s and 80s? In summer?! This is the actual statement on the Weather Channel’s app, and it has a little orange exclamation point that says “SEVERE.” I especially like the part about how we’re all antelopes and wildebeests lured to the watering hole when it gets a little warm outside.

My Washington-native neighbor tells me that people get nervous when the temperature gets close to 80 around here, to which I say “pfffft, you pussies.” Because it’s really not that bad. Like I said, the humidity is hovering around 40%, which isn’t actually zero but it feels like it when you’ve spent much of your life in a city where you breathe sweat soup if you step outside. Where severe weather means to stay indoors, and check on your elderly neighbors, and don’t you dare leave your pets outside or I’ll call the cops on you. Or, you know, tornados smashing everything you know. And it’s breezy here, and for some reason I don’t get sunburned as easily or severely here, either, so if you feel a little bit fusty, you can just step into some shade and I swear, it feels completely better.

You’d think that a section of the state famous for strapping on some boots and tromping around the outdoors every weekend would understand this, but perhaps their constitutions are a little more delicate than mine. Also, perhaps I actually could start hiking up mountains if these bitches are doing it.