I’m turning 31 in a week. Actually in one day shy of a week, and since I’m over 30 now, this occasion fills me with a little bit of dread. No gray pubes yet (since Vern asks me every year when I send her a text wishing her a happy anniversary, because she and Ben got married on my birthday and of course we’re crass enough to ask about pubes), but I’ve recently come to terms with my boobs not being what they used to be and also I am mildly concerned about my chin and its relationship to gravity.

This is what’s called getting older. You don’t focus on how much more knowledgeable or savvy you are about the world, you don’t focus on real adult things like actually knowing anything about your 401(k) or retirement plan. You worry about your body and why it won’t stop sagging already, and you wonder how much worse it will be when you turn 40.

At least I got some nice presents. Graham got me the below, and by “me” I mean “us, him especially.” I won’t lie that I’ve wanted a new TV for awhile, particularly after we moved to Seattle and lugged that probably 100-pound monster up another flight of stairs. Screw the built-in DVD and VHS players, the thing was outdated and had to go. To Craigslist. Where despite my brilliant ad, I only have a couple of potential buyers.

So yes, Graham will get more use out of the new TV, but I can’t fucking wait to see Doctor Who on this thing.

I also got the below, and before you go nuts, please let me say that YOU ARE CRAZY THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK. Yes that’s my left hand and yes that’s a sparkly thing on that finger, but they’re called ring fingers for a reason and my right one is already occupied by a badass spoon ring that is just starting to develop a really gorgeous patina after four years of constant wear. Like I’d mess that up.

I bought this present for myself. It’s a druzy stone, which is the tight clustery part of a geode. I’d been planning on buying myself a raw diamond this year, but those went drastically up in price over the past 8 months or so and over-30 or not, I can’t reconcile paying $300 for a ring. I like natural stones, anyway, and the druzy looks like a rough sparkly moonstone, or a little more opaque than a raw diamond but a hell of a lot cheaper. And since Child Me owned a rock tumbler, I think it’s an apt jewelry choice.

Me buying the ring and Graham buying the TV were apt choices, as well. For one, YOU ARE CRAZY THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK. For two, I buy the things I wear. For three, why on earth would he buy something that he gets zero use out of, because if no other part of me has stayed that small, at least my ring size is the same as it was when I was in high school and there’s no way it’s going on his finger.