Attention, Ladies of Facebook:

You all need to chill the fuck out with these Pinterest recipes. I’m not mad about you using Pinterest to find recipes; I wouldn’t do it, but I suppose it’s not McDonald’s and you may have some basic kitchen skills. I’m not mad about you eating them, either, at least not all of the time, because I eat garbage, too, and usually at a point in the month where I’m likely to have a mental breakdown if I can’t have just, like, five bites of some new Doritos  abomination (and you guys, Doritos are getting out of control). What bothers me is that some of you post Pinterest recipes all the time. Like, daily. And none of them are very good for you, and you all have kids, and your entire family must be constipated and diabetic with the amount of cheese and sugars you’re pouring into yourselves every day.

My biggest concern is what is with the taco seasoning? Please tell me why this shit is so appealing to you. You seem to put it on everything. Does it get you high? Are you snorting it like cocaine? Did you know that taco seasoning is made of other seasonings, all of which you can buy once and store correctly, and then you can mix your own taco seasoning? It’s ultimately cheaper and maybe you can actually learn how flavors work, too.

It’s really not hard to learn to distinguish and appreciate the difference between some pre-packaged steak rub and actual herbs that you can (surprise!) blend into actual butter with a spoon. On the former hand, you could ingest more sodium than is necessary to float a body in the Dead Sea. On the latter hand, you could practice a real cooking skill and develop an understanding of real food in yourself and your kids.

Or, you know, you could keep putting flavored glaze drizzles on everything you fucking eat like it doesn’t turn breakfast into dessert every morning. You want your first meal of the day to look like bukkake? Terrific. Knock yourself out. Or maybe just drink a 64-ounce soda on the way to work. Same thing.

You may not know this, but putting ranch dressing on something doesn’t make it a salad.

Lastly, potatoes don’t count as a real vegetable, especially when you buy them as flakes in a box, especially especially when you smother them with cream cheese, bacon bits, and dehydrated green onion and start salivating when you call them “loaded.” That’s fucking disgusting. Eat a piece of fruit, for fuck’s sake.

About erineph

I'm Erin. I have tattoos and more than one cat. I am an office drone, a music writer, and an erstwhile bartender. I am a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen. Things I enjoy include but are not limited to zombies, burritos, Cthulhu, Kurt Vonnegut, Keith Richards, accordions, perfumery, and wearing fat pants in the privacy of my own home.
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