Not only is Gay Conclave an excellent hipster band name, but it’s apparently also the reason the Pope is resigning. On the day the Pope announced his resignation, he received a report that was (somehow) related to the theft of Vatican documents but also exposed an organized group of gay priests who routinely met up with male prostitutes to wear women’s clothing and, obviously, have sex.

When it was announced that the Pope would resign, I knew something big was coming. Popes don’t just resign, okay, certainly not the German ones who were possibly most likely yeah Nazis. It’s in their blood to be efficient and cruel in the first place, and the position of Pope is extremely lucrative not only for all of the big golden hats in the world, but also for its power over all of the Catholics. And there are a lot of Catholics. And as a group, they love being told what to do.

So I knew that something big and ugly was coming, but this…this is not it. Come on, a gay conclave of priests who dress in drag and mess around with hookers? Yawn. I think we all assumed that was going on anyway, and truthfully, I’m far more comfortable with priests doing this than I am with them diddling little kids.

Although, if this is a cover up to the real scandal, then I suppose that it could be smart of the Pope to distance himself now. Like, “Man, I thought the Gay Conclave was bad, good thing I got out before this totally unknowable thing blew up in my face!” But of course, who’s really going to believe that, because even the Catholics are used to their religious leaders doing some pretty fucked up shit. I have plenty of issues with my parochial education, but to its credit, most of my teachers were straight about the atrocities the Church has committed. I mean, the parish’s pastor got pissy with 6^th Grade Me when I asked him to explain Church-sanctioned exorcisms vs. the Church’s professed disbelief in ghosts, but the nun in the library was all too willing to admit the Spanish Inquisition was a bad thing, and my former-nun-turned-freshman-year-art-teacher told me all about the crazy mess that was the Borgias. For every priest who tried to hit on me (and to be fair, it was just the one, but one was enough for me to tell my parents that I was not going to continue being an altar server and no way were they going to make me and I think they may have understood that some creepy shit had happened because for once they didn’t argue), there was a teacher who conceded that religion could be a deeply disastrous force in the wrong hands, and that a lot of wrong hands had been involved at various points in history.

So I don’t think that any of them would be surprised about this Gay Conclave, although if they’re still Catholics, they’re probably all nervously bracing themselves for whatever’s coming next.

Which is one of the reasons I removed myself from religion. In addition to not believing in God, I mean. I realize that the good things about religion – faith, community, the divine impetus for compassion – are important and necessary to many people, and I’m not disputing that. But I have enough problems associating myself with things I don’t like, be it people, companies, or governments. I’ll take myself out of those uncomfortable situations whenever I can, my “don’t look at me, I’m not getting involved” attitude sparing me from a host of embarrassing events, the very least of which are the Gay Conclave.