As you should know, Stephanie is getting married in May, and I am in the wedding party. This is the second wedding I have ever been in (third if you count my cousin’s wedding, but I didn’t have a title unless you include Co-Candle Lighter and Wearer of Ugliest Skirt), and I’m sure it will be the best. The last wedding was okay, but ultimately I ended up paying way too much to be a part of it while other people didn’t and also the Internet hero I met while there recently stopped following me on Twitter after I made a joke about getting boners in church. Like, does she even know what the Internet is for?

The rehearsal dinner is on a Thursday with the wedding on the following Saturday, so I think I’ll fly in the day of the dinner and fly out the day after the wedding. It won’t be a relaxing trip home, but at least I can use the wedding – which is the only reason I’m actually going home in the first place – as an excuse not to see the extended family that only takes an interest in me when I don’t live there anymore.

The 2,139 miles between St. Louis and Seattle means that my few days home will be my only chance to take vacation enough to get away, which also means that I can’t make it for the bridal shower, bachelorette party, or whatever else happens for ladies before their weddings that people who have done this before have to remind me about. And this makes me sad. It makes me sad because I would love to be at anything for Stephanie, because she has made a party out of grilled cheese sandwiches and, once, making cocktails for ourselves and watching British TV for a couple of hours.

Because I cannot be there and cannot tell you about what I plan on sending in my absence (I’m stretching it by informing her that there will be something), I’ve made a list of the things that remind me of Stephanie. For one because I love her, and for two because at least one of them has given me the idea for a ridiculous/terrific upcoming blog post for which I’ll have to do research, and by that I mean watch YouTube way more than usual.

St. Louis – Stephanie is one of St. Louis’ all-time, top notch, ride-or-die devoted homies. And I can talk like that because I’m from there. She is an unabashed fan and supporter of St. Louis, and one of the maybe dozen people I know who participate in the kind of events that strive to make it a better place to live.

London – I was there but not when she was, and because her experience was so much better than mine, watching Stephanie talk about London makes me nostalgic for something that didn’t happen to me. Except for the Harry Potter premiere. That shit sounds cray.

Top Gun – Have you read our Top Gun drunkblog? Can you even believe that Tom Cruise, Val Kilmer, Tom Skerritt, et al. haven’t even e-mailed to tell us how awesome it was? Dicks!

Fear – Another great drunkblog, because apparently we like getting drunk and yelling at television.

Chihuahuas with beards – I don’t usually support puntable dogs, but Charlie and other Chihuahuas with scraggly mutt-like beards are right up there with one-eyed dogs and three-legged dogs, and woe be to Graham when we can finally get a dog and see one of these fuckers at the animal shelter.

Cheese – Stephanie is my #1 cheese friend. With the exception of this awful ricotta salata that I accidentally bought one time (possibly for the Fear drunkblog), Stephanie will try and enjoy any type of cheese that someone puts in front of her. Which is great for me, who basically can’t cook without it.

Wine – I’d never seen someone drink one of those tiny bottles of wine until Stephanie brought them over to my house for the Drunken Intervention Fan Club and called them her “little bottles of sadness.” Which is a really good description of them, although I probably get sadder with a regular-sized bottle and about three episodes of Doctor Who.

Addiction to drugs and alcohol – Because of the Drunken Intervention Fan Club, which was the best club idea in the entire world (no disrespect to the TV club that brought Stephanie and Justin together and they are legit getting married in May).

Kurt Vonnegut –Who goes to Indiana and buys me a mug at the Kurt Vonnegut museum? STEPHANIE GOES TO INDIANA AND BUYS ME A MUG AT THE KURT VONNEGUT MUSEUM.

Leslie Knope – Mostly because of Indiana, and Stephanie is about to become a Hoosier (the good kind) By Marriage. Basically, Stephanie is Ben Wyatt.

Take That – In the Top 3 sendoffs I received when I announced that I was moving to Seattle, this video make me laugh until I cried and then research whether or not any members of Take That were dead. They’re not.

Pulling – See above thing about getting drunk and watching British TV at Stephanie’s place while Justin went to bed and Chauncey glared at me from the corner. I’d like to think that if she was available, Sharon Horgan would make an excellent bridesmaid.

Battlestar Galactica – Oh my god, I hate hearing Stephanie talk about Battlestar Galactica.

Rider Strong – Okay, first of all I never had a crush on Shawn Hunter (I was more of a Matthew Lawrence fangirl with a little bit of Mr. Feeny thrown in as an academic hero). But finding out about how I have three degrees of separation from him was one of many IM conversations with Stephanie where I squeeeee’d! at my desk.

Zombies – Technically Jake is my best zombie apocalypse survival friend because he bought me a machete for Christmas once, but Stephanie is #2 because she used her body as a human shield against the zombies during Run For Your Lives.

The Civil War – Funerals aren’t supposed to be funny, but Stephanie’s dad’s memorial service was hilarious because a) her uncle told a digusting story that involved a pool and projectile vomiting and b) I got to see the photos of Mr. Weir looking fly in his Civil War re-enactor’s uniform. And once you know how enthusiastic Stephanie can be about the things she enjoys, you can see how they’re related.

Internetery – Stephanie and I met because of the Internet (also because of Vern, also because of Courtney who is the patron saint of the redheads Stephanie knows). But yeah, Internet.