Last night, I posted to Facebook that I now live in a city where the loud bang-bang noises heard on New Year’s Eve are actually fireworks, and hey, St. Louis friends, can you even?!?! I posted it while riding the bus home from downtown Seattle, an area full of beggars but zero gunfire last night. The scariest thing I witnessed was fireworks at Westlake Station, which sounds fine but they were being set off in the middle of a bunch of tall buildings. It was like that episode of 30 Rock where Jack suggests the Rockefeller Center Salute to Fireworks in Midtown Manhattan.

(Okay, the fireworks part isn’t in that clip, but NBC makes you purchase episodes for the good stuff and fuck them, right?)

One of the people in my Facebook feed said that Tower Grove East sounded like civil war. A friend in Dutchtown compared it to the Middle East. My friend in Marine Villa said that South City had stepped up its game, because by the sound of it, one or more of the neighbors had purchased Howitzers this year. For as many good people who are working to make it better every single year, St. Louis as a whole still seems intent on destroying itself, and I’m glad I didn’t have to witness New Year’s in Baghdad again.

As for Seattle, it’s safe. It’s even sunny today, which means I’ll have to cram the cooking and cleaning part of my day into a few short hours later because I need to be out taking advantage of the first beautiful day of the New Year. I’m only writing now because I have to publish the 2012 Hipster Band Name List, because when everyone comes over for Hoppin’ John later, the 2013 suggestions will start flying and I need to free up the space in my phone.

If you’re new to this, the Hipster Band Name list is an annual list of what we think would be good hipster band names. Graham and I started it after proposing a website that sells band names to unimaginative hipsters.* Since then, it’s grown to cross-country submissions made by family, close friends, and people we don’t even know but who are more than happy to shout an idea at us in the bar. Last year’s list was a handful of names, but this year’s closes just shy of 160 (160!), not including the names that had to be cut because a) we found out they already existed or b) were better suited to a specific genre, or would be better used as a hipster band album or song title. Next year, I guess.

The stories behind the hipster band names – when there are stories instead of just words that sound great – aren’t revealed, but you’re free to think whatever you want. Ladies and gentleman, blog readers of all stripes, thank you for visiting, I hope you had a wonderful New Year’s, and I present to you:

The 2012 Hipster Band Name List

Cher’s Ass
Kung Fu Hugs
Interspecies Besties
Dumpster Cat
The Riboflavonoids
Hobo Rose
Self-Graded IQ Test
Wolf Pussy
White Castle and the Loose Booties
The Loudest Gasps
The Potent Potables
Visicapture
Jungle Puma
Dragon Pope
Fat Chicks Get Horny, Too
Stained Glass Uterus
Lonely Ninja Pirates
The Bearded Giants
Neo-Vagina
Mount Mothra
Filthy Ice Cream Panda
Mattress Swayze and the Tranny Rally
The Rumbleguts
Twat Bot
Ape Country
Grandpa Dracula
The Last Polar Bear
Interrobang
Buckets of Sad
Mexicuted Snitches
The Possum Kings
Narwhal Plane
Mother Goose You Pussy
Music to Slit Your Wrists To
Jehovah’s Fitness
Doomsday Prepper
Hot Liquor
Fake It Like An Orgasm
Good Night Cinderella
Hurricane Dick
Doppelkilmer
Cincianapolis
Also Max
Rock the Kibosh
The Teddy Ruxpin Massacre
A Salt and Battery
Undercover President
Chernobyl is for Lovers
Snack Attack Motherfuckers
Phantom Assassin
The Invisible Tits
The Genius Hydra
Aural Masturbation
Booze Lasagna
The Frozen Ropes
Gotham City All-Stars
The Pew-Pews
Paxton vs. Pullman
White Trash Bingo
Hellevator
Below Your Ginger Beard
Spockette
Slow Loris
Catserole
Gordon Shumway
The Granite City Werewolves
Easy, Lurch
Mike’s Black Vest
Dickburp
Tom the Arsonist
Artisan Butthole
Hysterical Deafness
Bullshitty
Rented Crutches
The Loneliest Monk
Year Beard
Booger Parking Lot
All Deep
The Tijuana Thunder Dykes
Dickwolf
Slightly Louder Applause
The Sweater Bombs
Johnny Payday
Dickmeat
Dump Truck Butt
Restoration Jesus
Bob the Bum and the Rose Street Mission
Boolean’s Razor
The Brass Mice
Spontaneous Suicide
The Straight Pubes
Saltwater Toilet
City Sasquatch
The Cashmere Pits
The Mexican Blackbird
Future Ex-Brother-In-Law
Gumbo Slut
Thanks for Nothing, Joe Piscopo
Thrillard Scott
Afghans of My Youth
Those Fuckin’ Thunks
The Rave Boogers
The Sonic Dickhairs
More Than Hottest
Gaytheist Agenda
Ukulele in Stereo
Street Abortion
Sit On Your Hands
Government Weed
Spellcheck
All Those Frogs Just Wanna Be Cowboys
Secret Serial Killer
Beard-Be-Gone
The Abdominal Snowmen
Binders of Women
Jefferson Starship Troopers
Freddy Krueger Mellencamp
Jefferson Seaplane
Sascrotch
Jazz Face
Involuntary Smile
Internet Famous Battleaxe
The Classist Slurs
ZBORNAK
Cat Cave
Dead Mom Kickstarter
Generic Jesus
The Bleu Cheese Crumbles
Autopussy
Girl Heist
8 Bit Boobs
The Poors
Knifey Spooney
Dixville Notch
The Count of Monte Fisto
The Fiscal Cliff Notes
Truffle Honey and the Soft Elbows
High Altitude Boners
Surf Nicaragua
The Bryan Adams Canadian Guitar Trust
You Were Wet Today
Ginger Agenda
Reverse Tiger Claw
Secondhand Dryhump
The All-Microsoft Mosh Pit
Everything is Emergencies
Stonie the Whale and the Evergreen Pirate State
Cat Brick
Vegan Hip-Hop
Candy Hands
Marvelous Literatus
Worm Baby
The Pale Asians
The Knights Hemplar
Mothers, Wicked Step

Thanks to: The Tollivweirs, the Toohey-Telanders, Christy, Vern, Adrian, Angelica, Courtney, Luke, Thomas, Mike, Crossley, Nick, some dude who showed up at my house once, Huff, Brennan, Fiala, my dad, Al, Dustin, Niki, JH, Poughkeepsie Pete, Gabe, Adam O., Brad, Danielle, Kat, Jen, John 1, John 2, Jennah, Rachel, the back room at Trader Bob’s, Mitt Romney, Mike Shannon, Matt, Chris, Josh, Rod, Rojo, at least one bathroom wall, and everyone else who directly, indirectly, knowingly or unknowingly contributed to this list in 2012.

*The content of erineph.com is protected by a Creative Commons license, which I know isn’t a big deal to some of you, but it still means that anything you take from me without my permission is stolen, and everyone knows that stealing gives you AIDS. If you or someone you know would like to use one of our hipster band names, please contact me and I’ll give you the address to which you can send two (2) band t-shirts. We pick the sizes.