I have issues with nudity. It’s not really a body image issue; I was once actually really thin for a few years, and even then I wore a bikini maybe twice and still put extra-long t-shirts over my low-rise jeans. I guess I could blame my issues on my background, because even though I was never explicitly made to feel ashamed of how I looked, there wasn’t much of a premium put on physical attractiveness in my house. I wasn’t allowed to shave my legs until I was a freshman in high school (and that’s saying a lot when you go to Catholic school and have to wear a skirt every day), and it was a battle convincing my parents that it wasn’t a vanity issue, I actually needed them to buy me some deodorant. Also, no one was ever naked in my house that I can remember. We were a fully-clothed family where the only use for flim-flam apparel like bathrobes was putting them on at Halloween and pretending to be shepherds. Because that’s a fun costume when you’re Catholic, apparently.

While people tend to enjoy the stories of naked libertines a little more than my personal history, I suppose it’s a good thing that I wasn’t raised in the kind of environment where nudity was not only normal, but encouraged, and possibly to the point of “in front of strangers, and for profit.” Not that that’s a bad thing. I mean, it would be for me, but I have a dad and read Naomi Wolf when I was in junior high. But other people can do porn and it’s not a problem.

Mostly.

You know, there’s a reason why the rooms of all the amateur webcam and nude photo people are a mess. It’s because their lives are a mess, which is why they’re selling poorly-lit sex online (or, in some cases/eventually, giving it away for free). I’m not about to tell anyone what to do with their own sexuality, but just once I’d like to see it being peddled by someone whose interior decoration and cleanliness habits are, oh, I don’t know, present? Maybe I don’t need to look at four overflowing baskets of dirty laundry and a carpet stain in addition to your tits. Maybe move the diaper bag to the bathroom, and while you’re at it, move the baby in there, too, and please close the door behind you, and if you can’t for some reason (the door’s broken from being kicked in a few times?), at least flush the toilet. I don’t know why you keep old turds in there but they are not necessary for the “mood,” unless of course you’re selling your photos to people in Germany. Maybe realize that you can sell the photos once before they’re screengrabbed by your “customers” and then placed on the Internet for free in perpetuity. I know I didn’t go to Naked Business School, but I think there are a lot of things wrong with your business model.

Again, whatever you want to do with your body or however you want to make money is fine, I just think that if you’re going to project the image of someone who is secure enough to be in that line of work, maybe get the fast food wrappers and old newspapers off of your waterbed before you turn on the webcam.

Oh, AND.

Like I said, I’ve got nothing against people who take their clothes off for a living, and like I said, it looks a lot better if you’re doing it in a professional setting. I also know that the thing about the Suicide Girls and other businesses like it are tattoos, piercings, pretending girls are weird when let’s face it boobs are boobs are boobs amirite. It just seems strange to me that some of these girls look maybe 20 years old and are already covered in tattoos. Full back, leg, and sleeve pieces, and in some cases, knuckles and full neck pieces, as well. Which, fine, get tattoos if you want (I do), but…you’re really young to have that much work. Granted, most of it looks like quality, but if you were to add up all of the money you’ve spent on tattoos in the two years since you could legally get them, you’re looking at thousands upon thousands of dollars. Looking at some of these girls, it’s easy to estimate that their total work comes in at a minimum of fifteen grand. And that’s not including tips.

I mean, I guess if your parents are wealthy and you’ve got a trust fund, sure, go ahead and spend it. But that’s still an awful lot of permanence for someone so young, and in reality, most of these girls wouldn’t be posing nude if they had trust funds, and I’ve read Jezebel, okay? Suicide Girls and those like them really don’t make all that much money. They’re like NFL cheerleaders who get like $50 a game and have to show up in full makeup at elementary schools and free clinics. It’s great when anyone finds their dream career, but as with any endeavor, a little bit of sound financial planning goes a long way.

Clean up your house, save your money, then show us your dirty parts. Which is what Catholics call them.