That’s it. From now on, any time I post furniture on Craigslist, I’m drafting an automatic rejection e-mail for the dumb-dumbs who ask me about it. This isn’t for the people who know how to read and purchase used goods; to them, I send a polite response thanking them for their interest with a request to schedule pickup, or a notification that someone has beat them to the item of their second-rate dreams. It’s everyone else – the people who lowball the posted price, the people who don’t understand words, the people who don’t seem to understand that I am not a moving service – who will now receive the below:
Dear Craigslist User,
Thank you for your interest in the <INSERT DESCRIPTION OF ITEM> I posted on Craigslist on <INSERT DATE OF CRAIGSLIST POST>. While I appreciate that you took the time to contact me, the item is no longer available for one or more of the following reasons:
Reason 1: When creating a post for a to-be-sold item, Craigslist requires that an amount be keyed. I chose the amount in question because of the item’s value. If I were not interested in receiving a fair price for the item, I would have keyed a lower price or probably just donated it to a charitable organization. With this in mind, a posted price of $50 means that the item costs $50. Why you saw the post and assumed I would take $20 is confusing and irritating to me. Can you read? Do you understand words and money? Do you think I’m some sort of crack addict who will accept any amount of money for a piece of furniture that is clearly worth more than the cost of two containers of kitty litter? Why are you wasting my time?
Reason 2: No, I will not move this furniture to your house. That’s why I very clearly noted that “you will move item” in the post. I do not operate a moving service, nor do I wish to spend the gas money and physical effort to get this thing into your hands. You want it so bad, you come and get it.
Reason 3: A basic knowledge of furniture shapes and sizes would do you well. In fact, I’m so convinced that most adults already possess this knowledge that it confuses me when you ask if a queen-sized bed can fit a full-sized mattress, or if the same item can be folded to fit into the trunk of your Kia. Does gravity exist in your world? Is physics a thing?
Reason 4: I am not so motivated by being paid early that I will hold an item for an indefinite period of time. Nor will I accept less, move more, or miraculously bend the matter of the object to fit your tastes.
Reason 5: All those clever auction shows on cable do not translate to Craigslist. This is not a flea market, either. I’m not fishing for the lowest bidder, you are fishing for an item you can afford. Search accordingly.
Reason 6: I am unmoved by your personal problems involving money, relationships, or time. Get your shit together before you bring more things into your life. Any TV therapist would tell you the same thing. And no, I’m not changing anything in my post because of your issues.
Reason 7: Your e-mail was poorly written. Just, seriously, come on. It was one sentence, and you still got it wrong. My stuff gets sold to people who are literate first.
Reason 8: Any requests to provide detailed dimensions (outside of the standard HxDxW, I mean), color scheme, or style information get trashed. You want to control your furniture so much, STOP USING CRAIGSLIST AND GO TO A FURNITURE STORE.
Reason 9: Oh, that’s right, you’re not going to a furniture store, probably because you’ve been there already and couldn’t afford anything. Let’s not put on airs here. Don’t sneer at my furniture when you obviously can’t pay for better. I’m asking for well below retail, anyway, how dare you have the audacity to pretend that anything used should go for a handful of crumpled McDonald’s change. We both know that if you really cared, you wouldn’t be here in the first place.
Reason 10: Do you even know how lucky you are to have found my post? Unlike other Craigslist users, I do not tell you what I paid for an item originally, delusionally overprice what any conscious being would consider to be crap, or make absurd claims about an item’s provenance, backstory, or need to go to a good home (because unless you’re selling someone’s funerary urn, who even cares?). I’m honest, answer e-mails promptly and stick to the first-contact-first-sold principle. I AM LEGIT, goddammit, so quit trying to fuck up my good time.
In sum, while I appreciate your interest and have considered your offer, ultimately I have found you lacking as a person, and I wish to keep you as far away from my possessions and home as possible.
Good luck, and next time, try the dumpster.