Someone hung a banner from the South Kingshighway railway bridge. It’s spray painted on a bedsheet so it looks like shit when it’s up, which is infrequently because trains, weather, and oh yeah it’s a fucking bedsheet usually leave it twisted up and barely hanging. When it’s up, the banner says “STL is A VEGAN Town!”
Which is inaccurate. St. Louis has some vegans but this is still the Midwest, and claiming an entire city is vegan just because a few cafés will serve you tempeh on gluten-free bread to accommodate your “food allergies” means you’re a dumbass who hasn’t lived in any of the parts of the city where a 10-for-$10 deal on store brand hot dogs means a family will get to eat for a whole week.
I’m pretty sure this banner was hung by the same daft hippies who plastered the nearby bus stop with “STOP KONY” posters back when that video was popular for two whole days. While it’s natural for young people to be interested in social activism, the causes these people champion and their methods of getting the word out make it seem like they’re less interested in saving the world than they are at sitting around smoking weed and re-filling their Adderall prescriptions.
You all know how I feel about vegans in general:
But this is really more about a few dumb dumbs skipping around South City in the middle of the night to tell the rest of us how we ought to be living. And I’m sure it makes perfect sense to these people, who clearly don’t have anything to wake up for in the morning, but part of me kind of wishes that I’ll get to read about some jorts-wearing hipster doofus who got knocked off a bridge by a train in the midst of an attempt to educate commuters about the dangers of commercial deodorant.
Forget it. Nobody will ever think of St. Louis as a vegan town, even if it does have a nice sprinkling of vegetarian restaurants. St. Louis has way too many rib shacks, pork steaks, bratwursts, and brain sandwiches in its history to ever quality as a “vegan town.” God, I hate those pasty, Teva-wearing vegans and their arrogant, self-righteous attitudes. They’re like the Fundamental Christians of the food chain or something. I prefer to eat a lot a vegetables with occasional meat. When I go too long without eating any meat, I start feeling weak. I don’t need a whole goddamned ribeye steak, just some meat chunks tossed in once in awhile, or the occasional cold cut sandwich. Everything in moderation — but try telling those idiotic vegans that. I hate them and their Shea butter.