Instead of watching the opening ceremony for the 2012 Olympics, I ran a few miles while watching “Bridget Jones’ Diary” and wondering how on earth I ever thought “huh, Renee Zellweger was kind of big in this.” Granted she’s probably a good 6 inches shorter than me, but I haven’t been 138 pounds since maybe my junior year in high school, so maybe Younger Me would like to see what a decade of laziness and casual drinking will realistically do to a person. Absent of time travel, I didn’t see the opening ceremony but I have been checking out highlights when I can find them.
Now, I’m not asking anyone to be my psychologist or anything, but could someone please tell me why I lost my shit when the Mary Poppinses appeared in the stadium? No joke, when the umbrellas appeared around the 50-foot Voldemort, my thought process went something like this:
“What the what are those things?”
“Parachutes?”
“Is that the Queen again?”
“Wait a minute, those are umbrellas!”
“What the balls are umbrellas doing at the Olympics? Come on, England.”
“OH MY GOD.”
“Mary Poppins! Flying Mary Poppinses! Mary Poppins flying into the Olympics! Lots of them!”
“That’s remarkable! Go, England, go!”
“Behhhh hehhhhh Mary Poppins sob sob sob why can’t I stop the tears from coming out of my eyes and rolling down my face?!?!”
I have no idea what happened and it’s not my period or anything, but something about seeing Mary Poppins come down from the sky like that made me weep. And then, because I was apparently in the mood for crying and felt that England should continue being responsible for it, I watched one of the scenes from the Doctor Who episode “Vincent and the Doctor,” which, if you’re any kind of a human person and not a sociopathic serial killer, will just make you want to die. I can’t go into all of Doctor Who here (at least half of the Internet is Doctor Who and cats, so I’m confident you can figure it out on your own), but in this episode, the Eleventh Doctor and Amy Pond go through time (not back, because if you watch Doctor Who then you know there is no backwards and forwards as that would imply a straight line) to meet Vincent Van Gogh, who is Amy’s favorite artist and an historically accurate grade-A sad and crazy person. Also historically accurate is that Van Gogh only sold one painting during his life (“The Red Vineyard At Arles”) and was pretty sure he was a failure. So the Doctor and Amy take Van Gogh in the Tardis to the present-day Musee d’Orsay to show him the exhibit of his work and, because Doctor Who is an English show, get Bill Nighy’s opinion. Obviously. But here’s the best scene in the entire series:
Ignoring the subtitles because that’s the only version of this I could find, can you even? Come on.
AND because I think I’ve blamed England enough at this point, last week I caught up on The Nerdist podcast and caught the LeVar Burton episode, which might be one of the best things in all of pocasting history and thank you Chris Hardwick and Matt Mira and especially LeVar Burton, you are all magnificent creatures and you made my entire day, and if anyone else would like to be magically transported into a land of hilarious awesome nerdery, please listen to the episode, not least for the part where LeVar calls Patrick Stewart an asshole.
Naturally, I thought everyone at work would be just as excited about this episode as I was, but when I mentioned that I was going to listen to it, I got a lot of blank stares in return. Granted, the people I was talking to range from two to six years younger than me, but Reading Rainbow was on the air for 25 years, and Star Trek will endure nuclear war with the cockroaches. “LEVAR BURTON,” I said to them. “LeVar. Burton. Reading Rainbow, Geordi LaForge, Roots, motherfuckers.”
Nothing.
Well, except one person, who said “What’s Roots?” and then I called her a racist. Legitimate insult or not, it’s unacceptable to be over the age of 21 and not know who LeVar Burton is, and worse, look at me like I’m a lunatic for fucking LOVING LeVar Burton.
Or for lighting up like crazy when Matt Mira told LeVar that he remembered the Reading Rainbow episode where they visited the set of Star Trek, and then, when LeVar answered, “But do you remember the book?” and Matt said he didn’t, LeVar said it was “The Bionic Bunny Machine” and all of my memory circuits EXPLODED and I nearly collapsed with happiness.
That’s to be expected. It’s LeVar Fucking Burton.
Ephemera Etc. 
Erin, you are an asshole for posting that Doctor Who clip. I can’t even think about that episode without getting sad and now I have to watch it.
Also, I remember all the hubbub about Renee Zellsfhjdfh weighing 138 and being SO depressed because I weighed much more, and it was awesome reading about how obese and disgusting 138 apparently is. I would kill (a bottle of wine and a box of doughnuts) to be a 30-something binge-drinking singleton and only weigh 138.
I’m sorry. I am compelled to share misery, I cannot help it.
Also, I don’t know what the fuck Bridget Jones was so bummed about, especially with that bitchin’ apartment.
I love this post.
I have never heard of anyone who loves LeVar Burton like you apparently do. Don’t get me wrong. I rocked so Reading Rainbow…but that’s hilarious.
I was also one of those stupid girls who thought Renee Zellweger was kind of big in that movie. I wish I could go back and slap myself.
Btw, did that girl at your work SERIOUSLY not know what Roots was?
She seriously did not know what Roots was. She looked at me like an alien when I said “Kunta Kinte.”
Although maybe it means that she had a better education than we did, because pretty much the entire history of American slavery was taught to me with a miniseries insteady of, you know, ACTUAL classwork.