Facebook thinks I like Kirk Cameron. I don’t know what gave it this idea, because I don’t like Kirk Cameron. Like, at all. The only time I even think about Kirk Cameron is when he’s said some new stupid, ignorant, homophobic thing on behalf of his church, and even then, I don’t have discussions about it on Facebook. I assume that most of the people I know agree with me when it comes to Kirk Cameron: he’s stupid, ignorant, and homophobic, and Growing Pains aside, his body of work is basically the Left Behind series, which deserves to be eaten and then shat out by wild animals because it’s certainly not literature. I know. I tried to read it once.

(I’m not saying this because the Left Behind series is Christian. I read the shit out of C.S. Lewis stories when I was younger and those just about kick you in the face with Christian allegory. The difference is that C.S. Lewis stories are graceful and well-written, while the Left Behind series is hateful propaganda and truly, if you’re looking for religion in popular fiction, then you should probably just stick to “The Da Vinci Code.”)

Anyway. For the past few days, Facebook has suggested that I might want to “like” Kirk Cameron. I should point out that aside from my friends’ bands and a few independent local businesses, I don’t “like” things on Facebook. Not only do I dislike weird tiles on my information page, but I really don’t see the point. I’m not a coupon collector, I don’t care what some basic cable show thinks on a daily basis, and really, laughing? You “like” laughing? You must be such a renegade, I’ve never heard of that before.

While I’m not a fan of Facebook inserting its suggestions into my feed, I am aware that not paying for a service makes me a target rather than a consumer, and really, I can just ignore them like I ignore everything else I don’t like. So I normally just scroll on past, but finally, yesterday, I wondered just what in the hell Facebook was thinking with this Kirk Cameron business.

That’s Facebook telling me to like Kirk Cameron and the St. Louis Zoo. While I am not surprised that the Zoo has more likes than Kirk Cameron does, I am surprised that the suggestion was positioned directly above my friend Paul’s comment, specifically, directly above Paul’s profile picture.

That profile picture is gay. My friend with the profile picture is gay. I like people who are gay. And Kirk Cameron doesn’t “like” gay. During an interview with CNN, Kirk Cameron claimed that being gay is “unnatural” as well as “ultimately destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization.” Not surprisingly, Kirk Cameron does not support gay marriage, citing the 100% historically accurate and genealogically confirmed existence of Adam and Eve as the reason for his beliefs (note: any claims of historical accuracy and confirmed genealogy are made up by me). Basically, Kirk Cameron is a fucking asshole.

I posted the curious suggestion to my feed and wondered why Facebook would tell me to do such a thing. I wasn’t sure if mentioning Kirk Cameron would cause Facebook to suggest it again – it had been suggesting it when I never said anything about Kirk Cameron at all – but I choose to believe that Facebook is made of evil nanobots who read my diary and know my thoughts, so perhaps they would get the point that I really don’t like Kirk Cameron.

Alas, today there was yet another suggestion to “like” Kirk Cameron, as well as hiking. I’m not a fan of either but if pressed would certainly prefer hiking, as would literally the millions of other people who like hiking more than they like Kirk Cameron.

Knock it off, Facebook. I don’t like Kirk Cameron. I’m not going to like Kirk Cameron. And unless Alan Thicke kicks him in the dick (seriously you guys I laughed for like 14 minutes when I rhymed that the other day), I don’t plan on mentioning him again.