Hide Yo Grandmas, Hide Yo Thermostats

The Supreme Court upheld Obamacare today, and instead of going into what’s constitutional and what’s not – because a) I’m already exhausted and b) if you don’t know what’s constitutional then you’re a fucking idiot and I’ve probably already deleted you from my Facebook – I’ll just say YAY! YAY! HOORAY HOORAY HOORAY! While most of my taxes are still going to bills for war and Congresspersons’ material excesses, a small part can be used to fund what I believe to be an essential part of this country caring for its own citizens.


Except Arizona. Arizona can go fuck itself, or at least re-take remedial American history, specifically the part where it used to be Mexico.

St. Louis is as hot as the hottest part of Arizona today. It’s currently 106 degrees outside, which is scientifically known as hot as balls. I haven’t noticed it much yet, mostly because I work in a refrigerator during the day and won’t get the electric bill for a few more weeks. If you’re in something like 26 of the states experiencing a heat wave right now, be sure to keep your pets inside, drink lots of water, and check on anyone who is too old, infirm, or poor to have air conditioning.

I won’t be checking on anyone old today, because my grandma definitely has air conditioning and would be offended if I implied that she didn’t. My parents aren’t old because they haven’t hit 60 yet, but like my grandma, both have air conditioning and it would be insane if I called them to ask how they’re feeling with all this heat. I’m only sort of surprised that I haven’t heard from my father already. He likes to call frequently (like, on a multi-daily basis if I’m doing things like having a job or being an adult and the call goes to my voicemail) to talk about things that are important (4%), things he thinks are important (90%), and things that don’t make any fucking sense at all but he just wants to hear himself talk about them (6%). I haven’t heard from him in a few days, actually, which might alarm some people but I know the reason why.

He met a lady.

I think.

While my mother has understandably referred to him as mentally ill several times since their divorce, the truth is, he’s probably completely sane. He is, however, a chronic narcissist, and a lot of chronic narcissists do things that seem crazy but in reality come from rational thought processes, they’re just blown up into the most remarkably self-serving proportions. It’s not that he’s a terrible person and never does anything for anybody, but he tends to ask a lot more of other people in terms of time, effort, and ability than is reasonable. Without going into too much detail, have you ever seen the episode of Louis where his mom comes to visit and reveals that she’s a lesbian? My dad is kind of like Louis C.K.’s fictional lesbian mom. Look it up if you have to. While I realize that my father is not a lesbian and some of you might not get the comparison, you have to understand that this is a person who largely ignores his own misbehavior and calls me multiple times a day and asks me to do things like check his e-mail, send out resumes for him, and create and maintain a dating profile for him. For my father. My own father.

Have you ever created a dating profile for one of your parents? It’s not great, so I’m sorry if you thought it might be. It’s actually very weird and uncomfortable, and you have to have the conversation about how people sometimes lie on the Internet, because of course your father doesn’t know anything about the Internet and will probably end up dating a married person. Which he’s done before, by the way. While he himself was married to my mother. And not because of the Internet.


I picked OK Cupid because it’s free and so easy that at first I thought it might be a joke. But like I said, my father knows nothing about the Internet, and also he’s really cheap and I could not bear to listen to him take eHarmony’s personality test. He seemed to pick up on it easily enough and even got a library card because I told him to go use their computers instead of mine, even though he did invite himself over after I’d made the profile to navigate some more and ask questions like “Hey, what does curvy mean?” and when I answered “fat,” exclaimed “I KNEW IT!”

That visit was the last time I’ve heard from him, and I’m pretty sure it’s because he’s met someone. He does this a lot. When he’s with someone or has just met someone, his “poor pitiful me” thing disappears, and all those mental and health problems he imagines he developed over the course of a month of being single suddenly aren’t an issue anymore. He hasn’t been single for more than thirty days since he was a teenager and yet is convinced that no one’s heart can break like his can, and that of all people, he does not deserve to be alone.

Which is the conceit of anyone who’s been broken up with, but that still doesn’t make it any less fucking crazy. I can’t deal with that shit from people my own age, let alone my own father who tries to employ guilt trips, shame spirals, and sob stories when it’s convenient for him and disappears when it’s not. I mean, I’d rather not get four phone calls a day, each with its own lengthy voicemail, but don’t invite yourself over every few days because you never learned to spend a little time with only the voice in your head for company and then vanish when you no longer have to listen to people tell you to “just be alone for a little while.”

This is probably why he hasn’t been around, or calling, or whatever lately, and if his air conditioner is broke today, he can get it fixed himself.

About erineph

I'm Erin. I have tattoos and more than one cat. I am an office drone, a music writer, and an erstwhile bartender. I am a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen. Things I enjoy include but are not limited to zombies, burritos, Cthulhu, Kurt Vonnegut, Keith Richards, accordions, perfumery, and wearing fat pants in the privacy of my own home.
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1 Response to Hide Yo Grandmas, Hide Yo Thermostats

  1. Karisma says:

    Its hot everywhere! Happy 4th of July to you and Graham..stay cool if possible.

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