Weeze the Juice

Graham got me a juicer for my birthday. While I know that some women want 30th birthday gifts like jewelry, cruises, or…uh, what else is expensive? from their boyfriends, all I wanted was a juicer and a French rolling pin. Both of which I got, one of which I have been using like crazy.

You guys, if you don’t have a juicer then you are seriously missing out. I love this thing. Every time I use it, I congratulate myself for basically eating a fuckload of fruit in the space of two juice glasses. Plus I allow myself a bendy straw every time I drink juice, which of course is bad for the environment but we do recycle pretty much everything here and also, hey, bendy! The most rewarding juice event is when I make something, put the pitcher in the fridge to cool, and then go deal with the treadmill for 30 minutes before I enjoy my juice. I mean, I know fruit has sugar and carbs and 30 minutes at a walk-run isn’t going to make me much less of a fatass, but it’s still something and that’s way more than I was doing before.

I strongly recommend getting yourself a juicer if you’re interested in eating more fruit and/or vegetables or are just tired of sucking down the neon-colored, preservative-pumped sugar water that Ocean Spray calls juice these days. Get a good model and it’ll be super easy to use, plus the amount of times you’ll use it will effectively lower the cost (I forget what this formula is called, but basically you deduct money from the cost of something each time you use/wear/do it and this determines its real worth). Also:

Pineapple is the best. I mean, oh man. It’s sunshine in a glass. It’s not the cheapest fruit but it lasts a long time and it freezes well.

Pears are good in everything. They don’t last as long as pineapples (at least not if you’re getting the organic kind, which I feel more comfortable doing but it’s really hard to keep them for more than a few days), but they’re so sweet and crisp in the background.

Apples are weirdly foamy but taste good, and something about them makes me think about making prison wine.

Oranges. Duh.

If what you’re making is full of sweet stuff, juice a lemon in there. It won’t be too tart but it will be nicely acidic and balance everything out.

Carrots are sweet and pretty, especially if you have Instagram and like taking photos of your glass in the sun.

A little bit of kale goes a long way, but man is it good for your colorectal health. Be careful, though, or you’ll end up being the type of person who talks about kale.

Beets make the most gorgeous juice but still kind of smell and taste like B.O. Exercise caution, use sparingly.

Too-soft grapes are bad to eat but delicious in juice! They do scum up the filter, though, so juice them last.

Berries are not great. The juicer just goes fucking crazy and whips them into pulp.

Water is the best thing to get the last of the juice out of the basket. Drizzle a little bit in while the machine is on the lowest speed and stop when the stuff from the spout comes out clear.

I can’t tell you much else about vegetables. There are people who like Bloody Marys and people who don’t, and I am in the latter category because if I’m having booze at breakfast, I’d much rather it be in the form of a screwdriver. And you know what that means. ORANGES!

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About erineph

I'm Erin. I have tattoos and more than one cat. I am an office drone, a music writer, and an erstwhile bartender. I am a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen. Things I enjoy include but are not limited to zombies, burritos, Cthulhu, Kurt Vonnegut, Keith Richards, accordions, perfumery, and wearing fat pants in the privacy of my own home.
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3 Responses to Weeze the Juice

  1. McD says:

    I watched Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead on the ‘Flix a couple of wknds ago – a juicer is first on my post-bills-caught-up list. I plan on ‘rebooting’ until I’m once again ruggedly handsome and the chicks dig me. Deanna was telling me about some sweet deal where you can get a fuckton of veggies & fruits on the cheap via a Google Community group.

  2. Carmen says:

    Years ago, I was all stoked about finally owning a juicer. However, after about a week of making various concoctions, I found that I lost interest and ultimately ended up selling the juicer on Ebay. Here’s what I decided: (1) Juicers are a pain in the ass to clean unless you own a dishwasher or have a “real” kitchen; (2) Not enough payoff—it takes a whole grocery bag full of fruits and vegetables just to squeeze out one glass of juice; (3) I missed the texture and crunch of eating whole fruits and vegetables; drinking them gave me a nice buzz, but it wasn’t as satisfying as eating them; (4) I had a weird experience after drinking beet juice on an empty stomach. It made me feel spacey, like I was going to pass out (i.e., sugar shock). But I love eating fresh steamed whole beets.

    • erineph says:

      It would be great if the news starts reporting that the new household thing teens use to get high is beet juice. Move over, Robitussin and vodka-soaked tampons!

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