Moneytits

New rule of the Internet, everybody!

If you’re over 18, employed, childless, not in school, and living with your parents, then you are not allowed to complain about money on Facebook. Especially if you’re posting photos of your new tattoo, clothes, car, or vacation every month. There’s no reason for you not to have money yet somehow you manage this, and by “somehow” I mean that you’re a dumbass.

I’m so sick of hearing girls – and it’s almost always girls – complain about not having money when every obstacle to having it has been removed. You’re an adult. You have a job. You don’t pay rent. Do you know how much money I would have if I’d never paid rent in my life? I’ve been paying rent for more than ten years now and I still have more money than you do. How do you think that works?

Truthfully, I am a little bit jealous. I’d love to pay, like, a phone bill every month and that’s it, and be freed up to buy stuff all the time, travel, get more tattoos and generally act like I don’t give a damn. But overall, I think you need to get your shit together. Don’t have enough money but can’t stop spending the money you have? Figure it out, sweetheart. You’ve got tits, I’m sure you could make money from them in one way or four. This is the modern world and no one’s shouting burn the witch, just fix your own fucking problems and stop leaving evidence all over Facebook.

All of the money I’m spending these days is a mental deduction from the Seattle fund. The Seattle fund is the cloud of money we’ll need to move to Seattle, which is what we plan on doing as long as I can get a job. For me, the job is necessary for a) money, b) housing, and c) not feeling like a fucking dirtbag. It’s also what it will take to get me to leave this house, which I still love so much and wish I could just transport to Seattle with me. Sure, I’d have to stay in St. Louis at a job that makes me begin dreading it at 9:00am on Sunday, but this house! This neighborhood!

While winning the lottery would be nice and I’d never turn down a hundred million dollars, I literally cannot conceive of what it would be like to not think about money on a daily basis. And you guys, I have some decent savings. I’m not hurting for money right now, but I’ve been without it enough times to have this need programmed within me. Everything I spend, I feel. Those savings are there to be added to instead of touched, and there will always be something – Seattle, a car, the emergency fund for when the power goes out and causes the computer, fridge, furnace, etc. to break – on the horizon to create another mental deduction months before it even happens. So I would love to be silly and irresponsible and have all kinds of fun, I can’t. It’s not physically possible, my brain isn’t wired that way. I’m a grownup who wants to get out of this city someday, and until then (also after, because who am I kidding), I will continue to get gut-punched every time I visit the gas station or audibly grumble that the prices of coffee and tampons keep going up.

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About erineph

I'm Erin. I have tattoos and more than one cat. I am an office drone, a music writer, and an erstwhile bartender. I am a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen. Things I enjoy include but are not limited to zombies, burritos, Cthulhu, Kurt Vonnegut, Keith Richards, accordions, perfumery, and wearing fat pants in the privacy of my own home.
This entry was posted in Everyone Else Is An Idiot, I Just Can't, Paychecks Are Important. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Moneytits

  1. Carmen says:

    You could give some people a million bucks and they’d still find a way to piss it down the drain and cry poormouth. They’re the same people who don’t believe in “denying themselves” anything no matter what it costs. If they want it, they rationalize that they should have it because hey, Life is too short and you might as well enjoy the ride, blah, blah, blah. Then they cry poormouth and hit their friends up for loans, which they may or may not pay back, depending on what they think they can get away with. God, I hate those people. And so does Judge Judy.

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