When Graham and I started dating, he lived in a place with Luke and Courtney. Dating someone with roommates has always been a tough situation for me. Even when I try to be liked, I usually walk into a situation where the roommate has an intense bro-on-bro (in my experience, it has always been bro-on-bro) bond with the person I’m dating, and I’m seen as this evil interloper who’s trying to ruin all the fun. It’s so obvious, too. If you’re ever around two people and one of them is telling nothing but inside jokes and if the person you’re not dating won’t shut up about how many girls the person you’re dating has banged, hey, they’re cripplingly insecure and you should just start dry-humping the third person to mark them with your scent. That’ll really piss their friend off.

Seriously, though, don’t do that. You could get arrested. Also it’s just as ridiculous as being the jealous roommate, especially because I was never trying to move in or anything like that. I was around occasionally, but even my presence was enough to irritate the roommates of the people I dated, and because I learn stuff sometimes, I was initially wary about Graham’s living situation.

Luckily, Luke and Courtney were married (meaning they had their own intense bro-on-wife bond) and generally cool enough not to have a problem with me at all. Luke worked early so I didn’t see him much, but Courtney, Graham and I would stay up late watching Malcolm in the Middle. One of the movies they talked about a lot during this time but I’d never seen was What the Bleep Do We Know?!?!. Five years after these late nights and several months after it had been in my Netflix queue, I finally watched What the Bleep Do We Know?!?! the other night.

Um. Okay. What the Bleep Do We Know?!?! is supposed to be a documentary on quantum physics and, to a lesser-but-related-to-quantum-physics extent, positive thinking. However, it’s also a fictional film about Marlee Matlin, who’s super depressed and lives in a weird loft where all the walls are made of particle board (but maybe she’s depressed because her apartment is made of particle board).

Admittedly, I don’t know much about quantum physics. Besides what I learned by watching Quantum Leap, I mean, but believe it or not, Scott Bakula is not the world’s greatest physics teacher. According to What the Bleep Do We Know?!?!, it’s okay that I don’t know much about quantum physics. According to it, it’s totally normal that I can’t even begin to conceive of quantum physics, because even though the people talking about it claim that it’s a clear-as-day kind of concept, most people either can’t or don’t want to wrap their heads around it. Which is sort of fair, I guess, because in addition to my natural limitations re: math and fractions and shit, I don’t really have time to devote a fair amount of brainpower to really understanding quantum physics. However, if anyone is going to teach me about quantum physics, I’d rather it be Neil deGrasse Tyson, because all of the “scientists” in What the Bleep Do We Know?!?! look less like intellectual professionals and more like Internet-certified life coaches.

The part I did understand and agree with was the theory of infinite universes. This makes sense to me because I’m really into syntax and I know that there could be multiple definitions of the word “universe” and our limited understanding of what that means. We conceive of the universe as an immeasurably vast realm of existence, but break that down into cell terms, and then atom terms, and then nucleus terms, and into even smaller increments, and these are all units of energy that are entirely sufficient on their own. So. I get that.

I don’t get the idea that quantum physics can allow us to manipulate our life experiences like The Secret or Tom Cruise religion magic, just like I think that part about changing the appearance of water molecules by taping different words to its storage containers. And I don’t know why no one seems to have trouble understanding Marlee Matlin. Look, I know she’s deaf, but the few times she does speak, she shouts and it’s just a big mess. What does she yell at that Polish wedding (oh yeah, there’s a Polish wedding)? I don’t know.

Basically, What the Bleep Do We Know?!?! is telling us that we’re all crazy, and we should just hope for things real hard, and nobody knows anything, anyway. I guess this is the point, but unfortunately, I didn’t finish What the Bleep Do We Know?!?! wanting to learn more about quantum physics or particle board loft apartments.