I went to bed at 2am last night. 2am! That’s way later than I normally go to bed on a Friday night, and I didn’t even need a pot of coffee to keep me up! That’s what drunkblogging a movie with your friends will do. You’ll get to sit on your couch, laugh at young Tom Cruise’s unibrow, and knock back a bottle of wine until you don’t realize that you’re still awake and are too drunk to brush your own teeth (at least with toothpaste, which requires more skill than getting the wine off your enamel with a brush and some water).
Graham had to wake me up to say goodbye this morning, which never happens, and even though the four of us murdered most of the snacks I made (there is nothing better than waking up and realizing you don’t have leftovers because your friends liked your food), he still got to have a piece of the cherry chocolate croissant and a bag of the cotton candy Vern brought over. Vern! Graham says thank you!
Here’s us again!
Because mine and Stephanie’s relationship consists almost entirely of computers (even when we’re in the same room and, like, speaking), she and I had our laptops and did our best to IM/transcribe the evening. Some of what you’ll see below are actual pieces of conversation, and some are typed pieces of whatever to try and make sense of what was happening when nobody was talking or talking about things that made no sense.
Starring Vern, Christy, Stephanie, and me, this is the Top Gun Drunkblog:
Stephanie: HAY ERIN
PAY ATTENTION TO ME
Erin: Oh, the DVD menu. This is already the gayest.
Stephanie: DANGER ZOOOOOOONE.
Erin: This song…Vern looked up the lyrics the other day and it’s so homoerotic. It goes “out there on the edge, always where I burn to be”
The title sequence is one of the best movie intros ever. It’s like…AMERICA.
Vern: Here it comes. Listen to that 80’s porn music.
Stephanie: This sounds like the Free Willy soundtrack. Which I owned.
Erin: This text intro stays up there for fucking ever. It’s totally for slow readers.
Stephanie: So Top Gun is Navy?
Erin: Um, yes.
Stephanie: My brother’s a major, I should know this. Top Gun is why he joined the Air Force and made him want to be a pilot.
Vern: It’s definitely the Navy because they land on an aircraft carrier….yes, I played the Nintendo version. (Vern bites into a samosa with tamarind chutney) This tastes like chili with a kick.
Christy: Your face is like chili with a kick.
ALL: (imitating flight crew’s victory dances)
Erin: They’re all so sweaty in this movie.
Vern: The hotter the intensity. Ooh, Dr. Mark Green!
Stephanie: Oh, Tom Cruise is in this?
Erin: One of his lesser known roles.
Vern: What is this supposed to be?
Erin: Uh, planes?
Vern: No, who do they think is chasing them?
Stephanie: I like how I brought my laptop and you still have to type everything I say because I’m housing this feta.
Erin: I know how to keep friends.
Vern: (Refers to Tim Robbins, who has a minor role as Merlin, as “that guy…the chubby guy.”)
Stephanie: You know what my brother’s code name was in flight school? Angry.
ALL: HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH ANGREEEEEEEEEE!
Goose: This is a great shot, Mav, I should be a photographer.
Erin: It’s a Polaroid, you fucking hipster.
Cougar freaks out during the MiG encounter, which involves lots of sweating and shaking.
Stephanie: Is he masturbating?
Erin: Hehhh, “Maverick has the ball.”
Christy: I’m Tom Cruise, I can do anything.
Vern: Except grow a few inches.
Christy: I don’t have to be tall, I have a baby.
Erin: Too much camera tilting…that ocean is fucking drunk.
Cougar tells Principal Strickland that he quits due to stress and “turns in his wings.”
Erin: You can’t quit the Navy by throwing a pin on a desk. It’s not legal.
Stephanie: French bread crunch
Erin: Why does Principal Strickland have so many phones? LOOK AT ALL THOSE PHONES. Also, I’ve been on an aircraft carrier, they look nothing like that. There’s no wood paneling, there’s pornography posters!
(Principal Strickland threatens Maverick and Goose by telling them that if they screw up Top Gun, he’ll make sure they spend the rest of their careers flying cargo planes full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong…which doesn’t sound like that bad of a job, really.)
Erin: Hehhhh, “rubber dog shit” is my favorite line.
Stephanie: Danger zooooooone.
Vern: When he told them they were going to Top Gun, Tom Cruise looked like he had a little boner going on.
ALL: somehow there’s a conversation re: firefighters working in drag.
Erin: If I were a sicker individual I might masturbate to that later.
Ultra Gay Reference #1: This gives me a hard on….don’t tease me.
Tom Skerritt being Tom Skerrit!
Stephanie: Instead of gay reference, let’s be PC and call it HoYay.
Erin: (re: Iceman twirling a pen) Does he have nice fingers or am I just a lesbian?
So much sexual tension in this room.
Stephanie: “This school is about combat.” And sweating.
Erin: (re: Val Kilmer) That man is getting an honorary degree from a college in Fulton, Missouri.
Maverick and Goose enter The Officer’s Club, which was a real life bar and the place to be if you were a San Diegan pilot groupie in back in the 80’s.
Erin: “This is what I call a target rich environment” Camera pans right…ALL DUDES.
Stephanie: HoYay #2 “Whose ass did you kiss to get in here?” “Well the list is long, but distinguished.”
Erin: SO IS MY JOHNSON, MY JOHNSON.
Vern: Uhhhh, Iceman’s hair.
Christy: His hair is blowing in the breeze like grass blades.
Stephanie: Did he just call Tom Cruise “she”?
Erin: Probably. I’ve done it at least 4 times.
I hope Charlie has a rape whistle.
Vern: My pants are wet.
Erin: At least 3 guys in this scene have toupees…oh, the black guy, Sundown. He’s the best singer, and he gets no play. What a shame.
Aaaaand Charlie’s having a business meeting in a bar.
Vern: You know who else has business meetings in bars?
Erin: My company?
Stephanie: I would like to present to the jury, Justin’s Top Gun picture.
ALL: AAAAGGGGH CAN WE PUBLISH THAT! HE IS GOOSE!
Stephanie: It was summer, too, so he was probably as equally sweaty as those guys.
Vern: (re: Charlie) Is she not wearing a bra?
Stephanie: You don’t wear a bra to the Navy bar.
Vern: It’s all about boners in this movie.
Michael Ironsides introduces Charlie to a class being held in an airplane hangar, and she walks up the aisle wearing ridiculous pantyhose with a seam down the back.
Erin: Those are whore stockings!
Vern: Yeah they are.
Christy: It’s because she’s a whore.
Erin: You know, when I read the last drunkblog, most of your comments were about whores.
Stephanie: I can show you a negative G pushover.
Erin: Your mom’s a negative G pushover.
Goose gives the finger.
Stephanie: That’s it, I’m marrying Goose. That was adorable.
Erin: I have so many problems with Charlie in this movie. She has a degree in astrophysics and she’s going around with this idiot.
Christy: I are not good at math.
Iceman confronts Maverick about not sufficiently covering Cougar during the MiG encounter. He’s got the waist of Natalie Portman in Black Swan. Ridiculous.
Vern: Look how tiny that guy’s waist is?
Christy: Yeah, and look at it now.
Erin: I’d still hit it.
There’s a bit where Jester describes the flight challenge and says “the somethingsomethignwhateverplanes you’ll be flying against are blah blah blah.”
Erin: Ag-AYNST. Michael Ironsides is Canadian!
Christy: The back of his hat is supposed to say Goose but I could swear it said “loose”
Erin: This “hit the brakes” maneuver doesn’t work with anyone. It doesn’t even work in tag. You suddenly stop and someone just clocks you in the back of the head with their forearm.
Vern: At this altitude, he’s losing brain cells by the second.
Stephanie: HoYay reference #3 – this music.
Erin: Instead of saying “HAAAAYYYYYY” to people, I’m going to start saying “HO-yaaaaaay”
What are you celebrating, you can’t take your hands off the wheel in the jet!
Christy: He’s steering with his wiener!
Vern: Buzzing the tower, is that like giving a hummer?
Erin: We should call it that.
HOYAY HOYAY HOYAY
This locker room is super HoYay.
Vern: Why is it called a hard deck?
Erin: Probably because of boners.
Famous “that’s right, Ice…man. I am dangerous”/Val Kilmer teeth scene.
Christy: He just chomped his horse teeth at him! Gimme a carrot, arrrrrr.
Stephanie: Girl, the only one who thinks you’re dangerous is your dentist.
Erin: Coffee kid with the toupee is my favorite character in this movie.
Stephanie: Cadbury Egg reference #15 – my mouth
Movie is paused for the acquisition of alcohol and more snacks.
Erin: INSERT SKERRITT-RELATED SCREENSHOT THAT IS AWESOME
Erin: Are we ready?
Stephanie: No, hang on, I’m watching a baby seal video.
Vern: (while getting Christy some cheese) “Sorry, I gotta smash it.”
Christy: No you don’t, it’s all goin’ in my mouthhole.
Movie is unpaused during Viper’s dramatic dressing down of Maverick and Goose for a) following Jester below the hard deck (which we have established involves boners) and b) buzzing the tower.
Erin: Requirement 1 of joining the Navy: Tendency towards gravitas.
Stephanie: They are glistening.
Christy: Was this before air conditioning?
Goose shares his concerns about Maverick’s attitude and says “I gotta be straight with you, man, I just hope we graduate.”
Erin: What are you even talking about, Goose, it’s been A DAY.
Vern: Do they get kicked out if they fail top Gun?
Christy: No, they take them out back and shoot them.
Erin: OH THE VOLLEYBALL SCENE!
Vern: Why is one guy playing in a shirt?
Erin: Because it’s Goose.
Vern: They’re playing in jeans.
Erin: Maverick is the only one playing in jeans. He’s the worst.
ALL: (re: sweaty men, Slider flexing, HoYay in general) OOOOOOOOOH.
Erin: Kenny Loggins, this fucking song. “I don’t wanna be obsessed by my desire”?
Hoyay # 8=14
8 THRU 14
Ahahahaha, “MOTHER GOOSE YOU PUSSY!”
Next hipster band name.
Christy: Ohhhh the motorcycle scene! I remember this song.
Maverick apologizes for being late to dinner. Charlie says “No apologies.”
Vern: Just take your pants off….she’s not wearing a bra again!
Christy: What the hell?! This is the first time he’s been at her house, and “I’m gonna take a shower”? Hey, uh, I’m gonna take a shower…I gotta wash my junk in your sink. Can I use your loofah?
Vern: God, that unibrow.
Her hair is out of control.
Erin: Well, it was the 80’s. Big hair was a sign of female virility.
“Is that why you’re always second best up there?”
Charlie, you’re a cunt.
Stephanie is stalking the Facebook of Erin’s nemesis. Occasionally, she reads a status and giggles.
Erin: They didn’t even drink a full bottle of wine, what kind of people are they?
Christy: Not drunk people.
Vern: I kinda liked it when thick eyebrows were acceptable. Not unibrows, just thick eyebrows.
Stephanie: “Having the flu. No bueno.” Heh heh.
Christy: I’m comin’ in close ‘cause you look like a man and it’s turning me on.
Stephanie: Is he crying?
Vern and Christy: No, it’s sweat.
Christy: He’s shimmering.
Stephanie: This movie’s just sticky. One time, my friend was at a McDonald’s and some farmer walked in, and the girl working there asked him how he was feeling, and the farmer said “Sticky.”
Classroom scene, where Viper and Charlie are looking at a gigantic screen that is only a little more technologically advanced than anything that appeared in War Games.
Christy: Now we’re playing Atari.
Erin: My mom used to have Charlie’s glasses. There are hipsters who would give their left nut for those.
Stephanie: I like how they have a version of this song (Berlin’s “Take My Breath Away”) where she’s just humming.
Erin: Jessica Simpson lost her virginity to this song.
Stephanie: And then she covered it.
Erin: How does Charlie afford this car, she’s a government employee!
ALL: Everyone laughs at Maverick’s fist gesturing. Angry presidential speech gestures! Angry!
Erin: EWWWWWWW BLUE SEX BLUE SEC
Christy: Have you seen that show where virgins make out on their wedding night!
Vern: Watching them kiss is like Pac Man and Mrs. Pac Man.
Erin: WHO HAS SEX LIKE THAT?
Vern: She’s pressing on his pressure points to release tension.
Erin: This is Scientology.
Stephanie: Imagine how sweaty he is now.
Christy: Did he fold her a paper airplane? That’s a shitty paper airplane, I bet it doesnt even fly.
Stephanie: It lands like Cougar.
Stephanie: long silence
Stephie eyes the cheese
Erin: Everyone else discusses dogfighting skills
Like we know anything about anything
Goose has an OCD habit of saying “Great Balls of Fire” in every conceivable situation.
Ugh, it smells like mildew watching this locker room. Iceman sucks in his tummy more at top physical condition at 24 than I do when I’m trying to look cool at Pizza Hut.
Christy: Why are there notes in this sauna?
I feel like he’s going to start punching himself now.
Vern: Goose looks like a swimmer! He has swimmer’s shoulders.
Erin: That’s the only time any woman has ever said anything sexual about Goose.
Scene where Goose, Maverick, Charlie, Meg Ryan, and a child are playing “Great Balls of Fire” in a bar.
Erin: God, Meg Ryan is the most annoying person ever. That VOICE.
Stephanie: Does excellent impersonation of Meg Ryan, which makes Erin want to smack her.
Erin: WHY IS THERE A CHILD IN THE BAR.
Christy: I have an alcoholic beverage. Here, kid, hold this.
Erin: Oh, this is where Goose dies!
EVERYONE BUT ERIN: Goose dies?!…..
Stephanie: When I worked at an orphanage in Guatemala, my translator was a 10-year- old kid who looked just like Goose, so I called him Goose.
Maverick goes into a spin, Goose says over and over “This is not good!”
Christy: Use your peeeeenis!
I can’t find you, there’s too much parachute!
That’s awful, I’m sorry.
Erin: That’s un-American.
Overheard shot of Goose and Maverick being rescued, the green dye pack having exploded in the water.
Christy: It’s like they peed in someone’s pool!
Erin: That emergency hospital looks like something in a third world country, and Maverick is shaving in it. My god, his underwear is pulled up to his nipples.
Christy: The elastic is AT LEAST to his L5.
Maverick is gathering Goose’s things.
Vern: Pete Mitchell?
Erin: Yeah, that’s his real name.
Vern: That’s average.
Christy: Do you really think Maverick is ready to get back in a plane and fly around? He needs some counseling. He needs to talk about his feelings!
Erin: Look at Iceman’s eyebrows, they’re combed upwards.
Christy: Come ON, unibrow, get with the program.
(re: Wolfman who is listening in to Maverick and Iceman’s conversation, and then making a payphone call to someone for some reason) Why is he listening? Is he getting ready to jerk it, because that’s how it looks.
Erin: (pausing DVD) Does anyone else need to go anywhere, do anything?
Vern: Other than the Danger Zone? No.
Stephanie is talking to The Cat.
Who is talking back.
And maybe they are getting married.
Christy tells a story about a cat peeing on someone’s foot.
Aaaaand now Vern is trying to literally choke the hiccups out of Stephanie while everyone laughs at the cats getting stoned out of their minds on catnip.
…my fucking friends.
DVD is unpaused, and Maverick goes to Viper’s house for advice.
Christy: I’m gonna fill your fatherless void.
Christy: I want a Top Gun hat.
Erin: We all need Top Gun hats.
Stephanie: We can get someone to embroider those.
General decision is made to all get Top Gun hats.
Stephanie: I miss Goose.
Graduation scene, where no one listens to the commencement address in favor of talking about where Maverick is.
Vern: Wait, is that?
Erin and Stephanie: It’s Adrian Pasdar.
Stephanie: From Heroes….and Solar Babies.
Erin: Is that a thing?
Stephanie explains Solar Babies and shows us a video on YouTube. None of it makes any sense, but we agree that it looks kid of like Ghostwriter.
Erin: Could you please send me a summary of Solar Babies? I don’t understand a thing you said or even the video.
In a future in which most water has disappeared from the Earth, we find a group of children, mostly teenagers, who are living at an orphanage run by the despotic rulers of the new Earth. The group in question plays a hockey based game on roller skates and is quite good. It has given them a unity that transcends the attempts to bring them to heel by the government. Finding an orb of special power, they find it has unusual effects on them. They escape from the orphanage (on skates) and try to cross the wasteland looking for a place they can live free as the stormtroopers search for them and the orb.
Vern describes her method for curing hiccups/sexually assaulting people. From behind. I no longer understand the world.
Christy: (re: Hollywood’s sourface after drinking champagne) What is this?
Erin: Is this Andre?
Christy: It tastes like piss.
Viper tells Maverick “I’ll fly with you” in the event that no one else is foolhardy enough to fly with him.
Erin: Sir, you’re like 70.
Christy: You probably couldn’t even climb up in the plane anymore.
Erin: More flight deck choreography. Maverick caresses that missile like it’s a giant dick.
Vern: Gotta stroke my boner before getting in a plane.
Christy: Sweat, more sweat.
Erin: I wish I was still single so I could say “Roger, that’s your bogey” before hooking up with some dude.
Vern: You can still say that to Grahham.
Erin: We’ve been together a little too long to pull that kind of nonsense out of the hat.
Christy: Maybe once every 10 times
Stephanie: Wait, who are they at war with?
Erin: I think it’s the Russians. They never say, but they’re white guys with red stars. So, probably not Chinese.
I am too drunk to transcribe anymore.
I love you, wine.
Stephanie: war stuff
Vern: something something “his stick”
Erin: Heh, “his stick.”
Ice says “shut it down” and all I can think about is Liz Lemon.
Christy: Can’t catch me can’t catch me hahahahaha.
Erin: Oh look, they just won over the Ryssians!
You can be my wingman anytime.
Vern: They’re bros now.
Christy: They can totally hold each other’s weenises.
Vern: The extra skin on your elbow is called weenis!
Vern: Look it up!
Erin: Do you know what will happen if I look up weenis?!
Stephanie: Justin has a really stretchy weenis, and when he was in Cambodia, the little kids would run up to him and pull his elbow.
Erin: I love that “You’ve Lost That Lovin Feelin” is in the credits.
Vern: Well, they played “Danger Zone” over half the movie.
Wait, Pete Pettigrew? Wasn’t that a character in Harry Potter?
Erin: The call signs in the credit are the most beautiful things over. That guy is “Too Cool”? Hahahahahaha.
Stephanie: Like this.