Nerds On Wheels

When season two of The Walking Dead premiered, we were kind of excited about Hell On Wheels, another AMC series about the building of the railroads in the West after the Civil War. Common was in it, and so was that one guy from one of the new-ish incarnations of Star Trek. It came on right after The Walking Dead, so we figured that we might as well try to get into it. But then Hells On Wheels turned out to be kind of a suck, which might be why it didn’t return when the second half of season two of The Walking Dead premiered.

…okay, I was going to go into something else here, but there’s something I need to say about The Walking Dead, specifically as it pertains to people who watch it and tell me after every single episode that they hated the last one because it was boring.

Are you people stupid or something? Far be it from me to decide what revs your engine, but what exactly do you want from this show? It’s a series, get it, an actual story adapted from a collection of graphic novels that follows multiple characters through a zombie apocalypse. Yes, you should be able to expect zombies and gore related to zombies, but, and I’m sorry to have to be the one to snap you out of your Michael Bay “everything is made of tits and cocaine” mindset, that’s not all there is. There is character development, personal conflict, foreshadowing, themes, and a motherfucking story to be told that cannot possibly involve nothing but the smashing, shooting, stabbing, and exploding of zombie heads. If you can’t handle that, watch When Animals Attack and leave me alone.

(Note: this does not pertain to people who happened to find a single episode boring. That’s fine and it means you have an opinion. I’m just talking about the mouthbreathing public masturbators who wouldn’t know exposition if it smacked them in the wiener.)

Right. Anyway.

So Hell On Wheels is done, and now Comic Book Men is on. I like Comic Book Men. It’s a reality show about the guys who run Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash, the comic book store partially owned by Kevin Smith in Red Bank, New Jersey. While I know that the View Askewniverse is not for everyone and certainly neither are comics, I enjoy at least one of these things and, above all, I enjoy nerds. I enjoy nerds far more than I enjoy standard pawn shop proprietors, because at least the nerds are doing it out of a weird, obsessive sort of love. I feel a lot better about Walt Flanagan telling a customer that he needs to make some kind of a profit off of someone’s semi-important Batman book than I do about some overgrown skin tag wheezing behind the counter of some seedy shop in Vegas, criminally bullying someone to low-ball them out of their genuinely valuable piece.

Last night on Comic Book Men, this hipster doofus walked into the shop with a box full of comics to sell. While I’m in no position to give anyone advice about comic books, I am in the position to advise them on business matters, specifically those related to not looking like Vincent Gallo when you want to conduct a transaction. You should also not call the store manager/chief negotiator a liar when he tells you he can’t sell your meh books for over $1,000, and you should definitely not whine that you came all the way from Brooklyn to get told that you and your books aren’t that big of a fucking deal. I’ve seen all three episodes of Comic Book Men by now, which means that I’ve seen Walt pay fair, pay what I think is a little bit less than fair when he gets agitated, and I’ve seen him tell a person not to mess with some piddly store because they should take their priceless stuff straight to an auction house. Last night was the first night I wanted Walt to slap a dummy right across the face and kick him the hell out of the store. Which he didn’t, and that bearded moron came right back and took the $310 even though he originally wanted $800. Have a nice train ride back to Brooklyn, you douche.

Here’s the thing about hipsters today, and why they’re the kind of dipshits who will pay $20 for a box of so-so books at a garage sale and act poorly when they can’t turn a profit: they were never nerds.

See, there are hipsters and there are nerds. It makes sense that nerds can sometimes gets mistaken for hipsters because they can be a little clueless about how to dress or why math rock is actually terrible. But really, nerds are just nerds. They can’t help it. It’s how they are. Some nerds are nice and some nerds are bitter shitheads, but in general, nerds are not hipsters.

Today’s hipsters want to be nerds and usually refer to themselves as such, but really, most of them are former jocks and current assholes who still get their rocks off by excluding others and trying to prove how much better they are than everyone for reasons as useless as stocking cap possession and poor understanding of the word “irony.” Want to piss a hipster off? Remind him about when he played soccer in high school, or knows the rules to lacrosse. No matter how much he insists that he only likes watching the European version of the sport, let him know that you know differently, and maybe throw in something that a real nerd would have in spades. Hipsters will tell you they are or were nerds, but this isn’t because they know what real social rejection and esoteric obsession are. It’s because they want to be in something no one else is, even though they were never nerdy enough to figure out that loneliness is what a real nerd knows best, and that unless they’re willing to give up those carefully-chosen vintage Keds and kickball leagues, they won’t ever amount to true nerd status.

So hipsters, give it up. Just go back to wearing the collared shirts you keep in your hope chests, and quit pretending that you were in Brooklyn because Brooklyn was the suburbs. You’re lying. You’re just like everyone else. You’re not nerds.

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About erineph

I'm Erin. I have tattoos and more than one cat. I am an office drone, a music writer, and an erstwhile bartender. I am a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen. Things I enjoy include but are not limited to zombies, burritos, Cthulhu, Kurt Vonnegut, Keith Richards, accordions, perfumery, and wearing fat pants in the privacy of my own home.
This entry was posted in I Just Can't, Nerd It Up, The Pop Life, The Zombie Apocalypse. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Nerds On Wheels

  1. Jake says:

    Wait am I a hipster? Because I feel like I am a closet nerd most of the time but don’t let it out. Or is it because I hide my nerd obsessions from the world and instead talk about sports and boobs, does that make me the anti hipster or do I just have hipster tendencies? I am so confused now. Oh and I kind of liked Hell on Wheels, it is certainly the poor mans Deadwood, but still violent enough to capture my attention.

  2. McD says:

    …says the person who watched Zombies only after they had cancelled Rubicon to make room for it. The Walking Dead IS kinda boring, and a soap opera in comparison.

  3. poptarts says:

    “Hell on Wheels” didn’t appear after “Walking Dead’s” second half this year because it’s entire first season has already completed airing. It’s been renewed for Season 2, averaging 3 million viewers, which makes it a hit.

    It’s not “Deadwood”, but it ain’t meant to be. It’s an action, adventure show set in the old west, while Deadwood was a brutal, poetic character study. They share in common an era, as well as grit and dirt and violence, but are for very different audiences.

  4. tina says:

    Erin, I rarely go on websites where people discuss shows because it ultimately just pisses me off when I read what some people write. I think too many people expect constant instant gratification, which is why sadly our society is inundated with reality television. I love watching a story develop, characters change and grow, etc. When they first brought on “The Walking Dead” all I could think was not another thing about zombies….zzzzzz. Then I watched it with my husband and what I loved about it was that the zombies are merely an obstacle, a threat to these characters as they adapt to a new world. When “Lost” was still on the air, which my husband and I were both huge fans of and still watch all the seasons on DVD, I always encountered former fans of the show who stopped watching because it got too boring, they weren’t answering enough questions. All I know is in my opinion, the show turned out great and I felt sorry for those who didn’t have the patience to stick it out. Same way with “The Walking Dead”. There are moments that are kind of boring, but isn’t that what real life is like too. Not everything in life is excitement one second after the other.

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