What’s Green and Eats Nuts?


Happy VD, everyone!

A few years ago, someone asked me if I wanted to be a dominatrix. This someone had been working in the field for awhile and thought I’d be good at it, and if I wanted, she’d introduce me to her boss. Because I had two jobs and a boyfriend at the time, I declined her offer, though I did tell her that if my employment or relationship statuses changed in the near future, I’d probably give her a call.

Because you know, I think I’d make an excellent dominatrix. You’re telling me that I can keep my clothes on, never touch anyone, and be mean to people who pay me for the privilege? Are you joking? That’s AWESOME. But like I said, I was otherwise employed and had a relationship to maintain, and those things are time consuming enough without introducing humiliation-for-pay into the equation.

I’m down to just one job now, and I still have that boyfriend. The latter is enough to make the Single People of the Internet hate me, as if being in a relationship alone is offensive, and god forbid anyone be in a relationship on Valentine’s Day. Know how Graham and I are celebrating Valentine’s Day? We’re not. He’s at work (sous/pastry chefs of high end restaurants don’t have days off on weekends, national holidays, or February 14th). I’m at home. He put some flowers on the dining room table before he left earlier and I posted this to his Facebook wall:

That’s the extent of our Valentine’s Day, even though today is also our 5th anniversary. Well, it will be in a few hours. It was late at night and we were in a bar. Of course, by the time the probable anniversary time rolls around, I’ll be asleep and he’ll be getting crushed with requests for more food, more cake, more romance, goddammit, what are we paying you for?

So instead of doing all that obnoxious stuff that Single People on the Internet hate, I’ll be dozing off with some Netflix. Maybe put a little liquor in some hot chocolate. Listen to Mr. Big’s “To Be With You” on repeat. The same things I liked when I was single, actually.

About erineph

I'm Erin. I have tattoos and more than one cat. I am an office drone, a music writer, and an erstwhile bartender. I am a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen. Things I enjoy include but are not limited to zombies, burritos, Cthulhu, Kurt Vonnegut, Keith Richards, accordions, perfumery, and wearing fat pants in the privacy of my own home.
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4 Responses to What’s Green and Eats Nuts?

  1. Carmen says:

    Valentine’s Day is way too hyped out and commercialized. Still, I don’t know of any woman on Planet Earth who doesn’t enjoy receiving fresh flowers on Feb. 14.

  2. abbireads says:

    I think what drives me the most insane about Valentine’s Day is the entitlement. No, I’m sorry, Girl with a Boyfriend/Fiance/Husband, receiving $100 bouquets and extravagant dinners and a box from Kay Jewelers or Tiffany (however high your sights are set) just because it happens to be February 14 is not a Constitutional right.

    • Carmen says:

      I heard a disgusting radio commercial where a young woman said she hoped her boyfriend “knows better” than to buy her “those grocery store flowers” on Valentine’s Day….as if only an expensive bouquet from a certain upscale florist was acceptable, because after all, she’s WORTH it….[gag now]. Whatever happened to “It’s the thought that counts.” ?????

      • erineph says:

        Word. When I think about that sense of entitlement, it makes me think of all those sad-looking bastards standing in endless lines at the grocery store after work on Valentine’s Day. And why would anyone want to get anything for a person who doesn’t appreciate them beyond the worth of the presents they receive?

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