I am not a fan of marriage. I did it once and didn’t like it, and that was before the person I married turned out to be a total shitbag. In general, I think that marriage as an institution is an antiquated, unrealistic operation that is statistically likely to fail, and when it does, it’s very expensive, time-consuming, and exhausting.

But this is not to say that I don’t think people should get married. I mean, plenty of people shouldn’t get married, but there are a few other people who get married with the understanding of what marriage is, and they do it with the best intentions and for the right reasons. Ben and Vern are an excellent example. Most people (including me) scoff at the concept of high school sweethearts, but these two are a scientific miracle. They should be studied. They genuinely enjoy one another’s company and are very obviously in love (also lust, because sometimes they talk about sex in front of other people, which is weird), and they’ve managed to stay together like this for something like 14 years. 14 years! And they have two kids together, and they work grownup jobs, and they do all of this while remaining fun, interesting, kind people. It’s fucking ridiculous! How does that happen?!

People like Ben and Vern (as well as a few other people I know) are why I still think that marriage is a valid option. Not for me, of course, but for them, it works. This is how come I still go to weddings, and am occasionally a bridesmaid.

YOU GUYS, STEPHANIE ASKED ME TO BE HER BRIDESMAID.

You know, any normal person would just sit across from you and be like, “hey, so, do you want to be my bridesmaid?” And any normal person who was being asked that question would be like “sure, okay.” However, neither Stephanie nor I are normal people, which is why she asked me like this:

And I responded like this:

3:11 PM Stephanie: I wrote a blog for you

me: Oh dear god.
Is it another Jonathan Brandis one?

 Stephanie: 🙂 🙂

 me: IS THAT A YES.

 Stephanie: :)?

3:22 PM me: Oh for god’s sake.
That sit he worst/best thing ever.
It’s my Pop Tart pciture.

 Stephanie: I like that you’re so overcome with emotion that you can’t even type.

3:23 PM me: i CAN’T. tHAT’S INSANE.
I WAS DISTRACTED BY THE KITTENS AND….WAS THAT sNOOP IN THE BACKGROUND?
WHY AM I TYPING IN ALL CAPS
I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.

 Stephanie: TWO SNOOPS

 me: AGHGHGHGHGHGHGH

3:24 PM Stephanie: DID YOU EVEN READ IT

 me: HAAAAAA not yet!
I just saw that and freaked, and then people looked at me!

 Stephanie: LOL
3:25 PM THERE ARE WORDS ON IT
I wouldn’t do that unless it was important

 me: On the photo?
I know!
It made me think about being A BRIDESMAID.

 Stephanie: I only use blingees in emergencies
Wheeeee

3:26 PM me: Hold on, my boss walked away. I have to go back.
Oh for god’s sake.
Now I get it.
Hells yes.

 Stephanie: WOO!

 me: FUCK YOU, BOSS.

Because, I mean, come on. Snoop Dogg. Renders the most brilliant women incapable of typing like adult human beings, and the perfect way to ask someone to wear a dress and be your homie in a church or something.

(Vern gets to be one, too! Vern! WE ARE BRIDESMAIDS.)