Although the basic components of my job are actually very simple, lately, it’s been hard to manage them. Volume is up but we’re very short-staffed, and even when we’re fully staffed, the majority of people don’t really do much of anything. While I was raised to believe that hard work done in a competent manner was rewarded, as an adult, I’ve found that it’s actually more beneficial — promotable, even! — to watch Mean Girls about a hundred times in a weekend and go to work on Monday pretending to be Regina George. Or, perhaps more accurately, Gretchen Wieners. In my department, social grabassery is more important than actual performance, and I know this is a fact because my lack of social grabassery was the main topic of my performance review.

You’d think that this kind of thing would be easy to dismiss, but when it’s rubbed in your face every day, a relatively easy job becomes difficult very quickly. It’s tedious, stressful, and depressing. It’s nonsensical to the point of being absurd. It makes me feel like I have Asperger’s Syndrome. See, I don’t mind being ignored. If you don’t like me as a person and would prefer to not invite me to after work events like happy hours at that shitty bar where everyone there works for the company and scarfs deep fried mini tacos in front of one another, that’s fine. As long as you recognize that I’m doing my job in a way that doesn’t require making apologies for myself, I can deal with being ignored. But when I’m punished for not taking part in bathroom gossip or practically pornographic levels of ass kissing, it bothers me. Because I’m smarter. I’m better. And I’m fucking exhausted, which is why I think my department should hire more people.

The last few hires we’ve had haven’t worked out. I mean, Grandma Airplane. Come on. Grandma Airplane. With this in mind, I’ve written up my own set of requirements for job candidates based on management’s obvious preferences.

Do you need a job? Awesome! We’re totally hiring!

Competency Requirements:

• A flexible understanding of time, mostly demonstrated by arriving late every day (anywhere from three to twenty minutes will suffice) without apology, taking longer-than-scheduled breaks and never at the appointed times, and showing up to meetings at least four minutes after they have actually begun.
• Dramatic capability, as it will be necessary to stare at a computer screen for long stretches of time, appearing stressed but completing no actual work.
• Lack of attention to detail, as others will always have time to locate your errors (either on their own or at the behest of other departments) and correct them, usually multiple times per day, because, you know, it’s not like they’re doing anything with their time, anyway.
• Inability to follow through with assigned tasks, as well as the taking of umbrage when your oversight is mentioned by others.
• Lack of awareness of one’s surroundings, particularly those surroundings in which a sense of urgency would be detected by anyone with an IQ above 80.
• Considerable difficulty with business writing, that is, writing that does not include emoticons, brightly colored lettering, comma abuse, total lack of punctuation, and/or Comic Sans. You know what, just put a photo of a kitten at the bottom of each e-mail. It’s totally cool.
• Clinical inability to listen when others are speaking. Listening can be faked by copious nodding and utterances such as “m-hm,” but no actual listening or resultant learning should occur.
• Smug demeanor, as though anyone who makes less money than you is less intelligent, less important, and worthy of barely-concealed scorn.
• Ignorance of all those less intelligent, less important, scorn-worthy people talking shit on you all day long.
• Unwillingness to follow instructions, react well to criticism, or cooperate with co-workers because you are so much smarter than them and clearly deserving of constant accolades.
• While physical appearance is not a requirement, please know that candidates with narrow shoulders, thin hips, and a streamlined head shape will be shown favor, as it has been proven that they excel at inserting themselves inside the asses of management and living there relatively comfortably.
• Being a huge fucking tool.

Even if you are not selected for this position, we encourage you to re-apply in the future for all departments seeking employees with similar talents. We wish you the very best in your job search and hope that you can take up residence in our lower gastrointestinal tracts soon.