Survival Skills

Man, the liquor store was crazy today.

Just because I love what I said and hope that someone will one day use that opening line against me, I’ll say it again, this time with feeling:

Man, the liquor store was crazy today!

Because tomorrow’s workday includes working by myself for a long period of time followed by working with motherfucking idiots for the rest, I realized that I would be in no shape to take care of real life responsibilities when I got off work tomorrow. I also knew that most people wait until the last minute to do everything, so that if I decided to wait until tomorrow to do stuff, I would most likely have a nervous breakdown in the parking lot while the Salvation Army bell ringer got in a fight with one of four minivans blocking my way into a spot.

So. Obviously the Christmas food and beverage shopping would have to be done today, when the stores are still crowded but before everyone turns psychotic. The grocery store was about what I expected – a few obese scooter riders, the ham cooler picked nearly clean, and upwardly mobile hipsters wondering why there are no organic raspberries in winter, you ironic fucking doofuses – but the liquor store was nuts. I’ve never seen the Randall’s parking lot so crowded, nor have I ever seen a line at all of the registers. Normally crowds and people and being in public make me nervous and irritable, but this time I was buying champagne (which makes me feel festive) and everyone at the store was nice (per usual, but it’s always good to mention).

It’s no secret why everyone goes booze shopping before Christmas. Christmas sucks, is the thing, it’s stressful and exhausting, because after the shopping, wrapping, and planning comes actually being with your family, and if your family’s like mine, they’ll ask you to bring as many mostly-but-not-all-the-way-premade dishes as possible, because taking up space in the kitchen is a bad thing but they don’t trust anything that comes completely assembled. They’ll also disappear into the other room and leave you with your grandmother, who will demand to know why you never call even though she’s super mean and only likes to eat at Bob Evans. Your mother will gripe about how she can’t wait to go drinking with her friends, your father will use a comically mopey voice because he thinks that a girlfriend breaking up with her boyfriend has only ever happened to him, your nephew will punch you in the ass because that’s how he says hello, and your sister will try to make you feel guilty for not doing the dishes. Ha, nice try, assholes! I’d be bothered if I hadn’t bought so much booze!

Also I have to work tomorrow, and every single day next week. Alcohol isn’t recreation this season, it’s necessity.

About erineph

I'm Erin. I have tattoos and more than one cat. I am an office drone, a music writer, and an erstwhile bartender. I am a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen. Things I enjoy include but are not limited to zombies, burritos, Cthulhu, Kurt Vonnegut, Keith Richards, accordions, perfumery, and wearing fat pants in the privacy of my own home.
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2 Responses to Survival Skills

  1. Carmen says:

    I’m already drinking as I type this….my family used to put the “fun” in “dysFUNctional,” but now I just opt out of the whole holiday mess. I highly recommend it. Because you can always schedule an alternative visit after New Year’s, when everything has quieted down and the focus is on debt and (soon) taxes.

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