Below is a short, in-no-way-comprehensive list of things that are Never Not Funny. While that designation should be fairly explanatory, you should know that in my head, Never Not Funny means that I can think about any of these things while doing any activity (driving, staring at picture-hanging implements at Home Depot, eating lunch in the office breakroom) and begin laughing to myself in a way that has caused strangers to look at me weird and ask if I’m choking/crying/about to throw up.

You’re welcome.

1. “Does the pope shit in the woods?” Something about picturing the pope lifting up his fancy dress to shit next to a pine tree just slays me, as does my friend Steve’s variant, “does a one-legged bear shit in a circle?”

2. Poop. Also known as shit, crap, and dooks, but never “poo” because I’m a fucking adult and I don’t need to talk like a kindergarten teacher.

3. Pee

4. Wigs

5. The word “wiener.”

6. Myself, when I read the text drafts in my phone and have zero recollection of when or why I would have saved something like “Chinese stars, comoros, bastards.”

7. “Suck my dick.” Also acceptable is the work e-mail-appropriate “if you think I’m going to show up at a happy hour with that a-hole, you can s my d.”

8. When something batshit crazy is said in a completely sincere and serious way (though not in an emotionally-vacant sociopathic way, as there is a difference). Sort of like how Will Ferrell takes the most absurd situations and delivers them straight, and if you don’t like Will Ferrell then you can suck my dick.