Never Not Funny

Below is a short, in-no-way-comprehensive list of things that are Never Not Funny. While that designation should be fairly explanatory, you should know that in my head, Never Not Funny means that I can think about any of these things while doing any activity (driving, staring at picture-hanging implements at Home Depot, eating lunch in the office breakroom) and begin laughing to myself in a way that has caused strangers to look at me weird and ask if I’m choking/crying/about to throw up.

You’re welcome.

1. “Does the pope shit in the woods?” Something about picturing the pope lifting up his fancy dress to shit next to a pine tree just slays me, as does my friend Steve’s variant, “does a one-legged bear shit in a circle?”

2. Poop. Also known as shit, crap, and dooks, but never “poo” because I’m a fucking adult and I don’t need to talk like a kindergarten teacher.

3. Pee

4. Wigs

5. The word “wiener.”

6. Myself, when I read the text drafts in my phone and have zero recollection of when or why I would have saved something like “Chinese stars, comoros, bastards.”

7. “Suck my dick.” Also acceptable is the work e-mail-appropriate “if you think I’m going to show up at a happy hour with that a-hole, you can s my d.”

8. When something batshit crazy is said in a completely sincere and serious way (though not in an emotionally-vacant sociopathic way, as there is a difference). Sort of like how Will Ferrell takes the most absurd situations and delivers them straight, and if you don’t like Will Ferrell then you can suck my dick.

About erineph

I'm Erin. I have tattoos and more than one cat. I am an office drone, a music writer, and an erstwhile bartender. I am a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen. Things I enjoy include but are not limited to zombies, burritos, Cthulhu, Kurt Vonnegut, Keith Richards, accordions, perfumery, and wearing fat pants in the privacy of my own home.
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