The Best Blow-Jay Never

Did you know that there are a lot of people who don’t give blowjobs? At all? Yeah. I didn’t learn this until recently and I can’t claim to be an expert on everyone, but apparently a significant number of people I know don’t give blowjobs.

“I don’t do that” is what they say, which causes me to stare at them, silently opening and closing my mouth for lack of anything to say but, now that I think about it, this might look sort of like a phantom blowjob so maybe they think I’m mocking them.

I’m not. Eventually I remember how to speak, and “But why?” is the first thing I say.

Most of them don’t do it because they think it’s gross. Now hold on a second, I’ve asked them, it’s not just the one possible way of ending the blowjob that they find gross. Because, I mean, of course that’s gross. Sorry, Men Everywhere, but unless you have a pristine diet full of citrus fruits and clear alcohols*, what you’re doing at the end of a blowjob is gross. But whether or not you fully experience this part is up to you. Well, you and a partner who should be decent enough to give you fair warning. And by “decent enough,” I mean “rightfully fearful of getting knuckle-punched in the balls.”

Anyway, the people I’ve talked to who say they don’t give blowjobs because they’re gross aren’t just talking about that one part of the process. They’re talking about the whole thing, start to finish, basically, the act of having someone else’s genitalia in their mouths at all. One person went beyond “gross,” telling me that even thinking about it makes her gag involuntarily. Which I think is a bit extreme, especially considering her fondness for barely reheated frozen vegetable mix and processed cheese sauce.

A few people have said that giving blowjobs is degrading. I suppose this sort of makes sense, but only if you haven’t had many consensual sexual encounters with someone you could trust not to assault and kill you.  Plus you have to remember that sex itself is kind of degrading. Maybe not degrading, more like dehumanzing. It’s a totally animal act that evolved out of the very real need to propagate and we do it because we’re driven to on a base, biological level. Dress it up all you want, but unless you’re into that tantric stuff – and, like some vegetarians, while I respect your motivations and admire your efforts, it’s just not something I’m interested in pursuing – the act itself is a lot less about making love and a lot more about fucking.

So I don’t think blowjobs are gross or degrading, at least no more than regular sex. If anything, I think they’re polite. It’s good manners to reciprocate a favor, no matter what the situation. Except murder. You should probably not reciprocate with murder.

*This remains the only thing I have ever learned from Cosmo.

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About erineph

I'm Erin. I have tattoos and more than one cat. I am an office drone, a music writer, and an erstwhile bartender. I am a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen. Things I enjoy include but are not limited to zombies, burritos, Cthulhu, Kurt Vonnegut, Keith Richards, accordions, perfumery, and wearing fat pants in the privacy of my own home.
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