I Will Hands-Free Karate Kick You in the Mouth

It seems like everyone should know this already, but could you all stop talking into hands-free headsets? I guess they’re okay when you’re driving, even though they’re still proven distractions and you still look like a loon, but when you’re walking down the street or around your office building, could you put your phone up to your ear like a normal fucking person, please?

I’ve known one person who deserved to use a hands-free headset. One. She was my boss when I lived in San Diego. She had six children, drove a gigantic car, and ran two companies. She invited me over for Thanksgiving because I had nowhere else to go. She was a maniac and if I’m ever going be okay with someone talking on the phone while doing something else with their hands, it’s going to be her.

The rest of you are dicks. Unless you’re juggling the kind of life that just thinking about makes me want to take a nap until I die, using a hands-free headset is the ultimate move in lazy jackassery. You’re not so terribly important that you must have your hands free to hang limply at your sides. You do not require them extended for balance as you stride down the middle of the sidewalk. You certainly don’t need them for picking nose while taking the elevator one fucking floor (I don’t care how early it is or how long you’ve been at work because that is never ever acceptable). Just pick up your phone like you evolved from apes and somehow managed to become the dominant species on the planet. Jesus. It’s not hard.

In semi-related news, I got my ass handed to me at work today. There is truly not a busier day in my recent memory. My brain is exhausted, so I’m going to eat some pizza, drink some wine, and watch Tombstone, because even though Val Kilmer is the hottest lunger who ever lived, having tuberculosis is probably worse than having a shitty day at work. Which wasn’t made any better by that fatass waddling through the parking lot with their damn headset on, is what I’m saying.

OH! Also! If you get a chance, please consider donating to 88.1’s Fall Membership Drive. Not only do I write for this station, but it really is an excellent source of independent music, art, and culture for St. Louis, and I think most of us would agree that this city needs all the help it can get. Here’s a list of my favorite shows. If you are so inclined, please check them out. Even if you don’t donate on behalf of one of them, maybe you’ll start streaming it and be convinced to donate in the spring. Maybe? Maybe!

My new ZIP code is fourth in donations! My old ZIP code is first! What on earth!

OH! Also also! On an organic cattle farm where all of the cows are named after food, Dustin’s mom named one of the new calves per my suggestion! World, meet Lobster Thermidor:

He’s the small one. The big one is his mother, Parsley. There’s no real Web site to speak of just yet, but Moondance Farm has the most incredible beef raised by a most incredible farmer. Go Jane!

About erineph

I'm Erin. I have tattoos and more than one cat. I am an office drone, a music writer, and an erstwhile bartender. I am a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen. Things I enjoy include but are not limited to zombies, burritos, Cthulhu, Kurt Vonnegut, Keith Richards, accordions, perfumery, and wearing fat pants in the privacy of my own home.
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1 Response to I Will Hands-Free Karate Kick You in the Mouth

  1. We should all be using some sort of headset, since phones have never been deemed 100% safe. I will never hold an iPhone against my head since it says in the manual not to. Bluetooths (Blueteeth?) however, are dumb.

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