Ladies and gentleman (but mostly the ladies, and you’ll see why in a minute), I’d like to inform you of a danger in the office. This danger poses a threat to the workplace’s most valuable asset – morale. Like other morale killers such as the incompetent, the untruthfully ill, and people who clip their motherfucking fingernails at their motherfucking desks, this morale killer finishes off what little vestiges of dignity the job itself has left behind.

The morale killer of which I am speaking is, of course, the Stealth Shitter.

Due to my limited experience that includes only women’s bathrooms (sometimes unisex, though I keep my elbows out and my eyes down in those places), I know the Stealth Shitter as a female who scouts the office restroom for emptiness and, sensing it, sneaks inside and claims the coveted single corner stall. This is where the Stealth Shitter waits in silence to commence shitting, which can go one of two ways:

1. The Stealth Shitter takes a shit before anyone else enters the restroom. I think they prefer this scenario, as it allows them to blows as much noisy, stinky ass as they like without fear of giggling or “well I never!” gasps from fellow stall occupants. At some point after the shit is taken but before the Stealth Shitter has stood up from their place on the toilet, someone else enters the restroom. Paralyzed with fear of being found out as someone who shits at work, the Stealth Shitter remains frozen in place on the throne of their own making, and will not wipe/flush/exit the stall until the restroom invader has closed their own stall door or simply left the bathroom altogether. They then exit their stall, flushed and hurrying to escape the cloud of their own rankness.

2. The Stealth Shitter sits to take a shit but is interrupted by a restroom invader before the actual pooping can take place, which causes them to remain frozen in place and paralyzed by lower digestive tract cramping until the restroom invader leaves. In this scenario, the Stealth Shitter does not have the luxury of waiting for the restroom invader to make noise by, say, peeing or fiddling with the toilet paper roll. The Stealth Shitter realizes that what they are doing is wrong and must wait for the restroom to be completely vacated before they are able to resume their activities.

The second Stealth Shitter is the worst of all Stealth Shitters. First of all, I’m an unsuspecting restroom invader. I go to the restroom when I actually have to go to the restroom, not when I feel like standing in front of the mirror or hiding from my boss in the handicapped stall (and in my office, that’s the worst hiding place because ALL OF THE BOSSES use the handicapped stall even when all of the other stalls are available. I know! What bitches!). When I am in the restroom, I am there to conduct business. Also it’s likely that I have to pee so badly that my jeans are cutting into my belly fat, so I just want to get the show on the road and get back to work.

What I do not want is for some Stealth Shitter to be sitting in that corner stall like some lurker who’s too afraid to breathe let alone flutter a tampon wrapper. Like, do you think I don’t know you’re in there? Do you think I don’t know what you’re doing? How about you stop taking shits are work, you sick fuck? Taking care of that business at home (or at least not eating bowls of Raisin Bran at your desk every morning) will cut way down on your restroom embarrassment and give me the chance to go like a free adult instead of someone who is incapable on a biological level of peeing when I know there’s some creeper squatting in the next stall, waiting to hear me do it. I’ve tried peeing next to Stealth Shitters before and I fail! Every time! My body simply will not allow me to do it. It can pee just fine when other people are peeing, or even talking amongst themselves over by the mirror. It’s a restroom, it is the place to pee. But sitting there in silence like some kind of gargoyle of the toilet is weird. Get done and get out of there! You Stealth Shitters are freaking me out!