Since Graham and I have such different schedules, on most days he’s falling asleep just as I’m waking up. I can’t fall asleep to the television and it would be cruel to make him lie awake in bed all night, so usually, I go to bed and he stays out in the living room. I wake up a lot during the night and almost always know that he’s out there, but last night, sometime between falling asleep and three in the morning, I forgot about him.
When I woke up at 3am, it sounded like water was running in the bathroom. I turned my face towards my bedroom door and saw light under it. I never leave the lights on at night, and I knew I didn’t leave the water on. Although I normally wake up in the middle of the night convinced that there is an intruder and/or zombies in the house, last night this didn’t occur to me at all. I was too afraid that there was a massive leak in the bathroom and that I would somehow be liable. So I stumbled out of bed, opened the door, and saw Graham peeing in the bathroom.
I just stared at him for a few seconds because I couldn’t figure out why he was there. I thought he’d dropped me off after the baseball game and gone home, I guess, and while I wasn’t mad about him coming back over to watch basic cable, I still thought it was strange.
“What?” he asked.
“Uh…I don’t…what did you…I don’t know.”
“Are you okay?”
“I saw the light and thought someone was here.”
“Were you planning on karate chopping me or something?”
“No…um. I thought there was a leak. With the water. The pee.”
It occurred to me that Graham hadn’t gone home, and that he had been in the living room all along. This meant that I was talking like a lunatic and could have anywhere between 2 hours and 5 more minutes to sleep. So I lurched my half-asleep body back to bed, where it took me a few minutes to relax because I realized that if Graham had been an intruder, seriously, what would I have done? I don’t know karate.
Maybe this is what caused me to wake up this morning with an unusually high level of anxiety. And not like normal anxiety. This is ongoing, mysterious, poor concentration, slightly nauseating anxiety that’s making me consider every terrible situation I can think of. I’ve been thinking about terrible situations since six o’clock this morning. The worst one – meaning the one I’m fixating on the hardest – is that even though we’ve signed the lease and handed over the money, this new house will somehow fall through and that’s why my new landlord hasn’t answered my e-mail from 8:00 this morning or returned my phone call from 4:30 this afternoon. I just want to know when we can get the keys so that we can schedule the utility hookup appointments before we actually move in. I don’t want to obsess over the fact that she hasn’t yet cashed our checks while ignoring the facts that she’s been very nice and cool so far and I am probably making this way worse than it is and of course I can’t call her again because that would be rude. I just want to hear from her so I can stop freaking the fuck out. I can’t stay in this apartment after next Saturday afternoon, okay? My landlords are coming back into town that night and I’ve made the commitment that I must have this new house, and if that didn’t happen for some fucked up reason, I think I would go a little bit insane.
More insane than I already am. Because obviously. I need this house. I need to stop being so anxious. I need to slow my fucking roll, Sea Captain.
Ephemera Etc. 
I am convinced that you want this house. But are you 100% sure you want this living situation? Do you even want to live with another human being in shared space? I’ll tell you why I’m asking: Because you’re starting to sound like me back in 1990 when I talked myself into moving in with my boyfriend when, in fact, I knew deep down I wanted to keep my own place, space, and quirky routines. It was his idea that I move in, but I was too young to realize that I had every right to decline the offer. Because young women are supposed to want the semblance of commitment, the marriage-like set-up, etc, right? Well, I actually did NOT. I did ask him: “What would happen if I don’t move in?” His answer: “Then our relationship will go downhill.” Well, as I said, I was too dumb to recognize my right to say no. You can guess how the story ended…a year and a half later, I packed up and moved back into my own place….alone.
I see where you’re coming from, but I wouldn’t have made the decision to move in with someone if I didn’t 100% want to. I used to be married once. Then I stopped being married and spent 7 years living by myself. While I enjoy it very much, I made this decision because this is the right person to make the decision with. It’s not like I never dated anyone else or was faced with a more serious situation. Being conditioned to want some semblance of marriage has nothing to do with it. Mostly, I’m freaked that we might not get this house and I wasn’t expecting to see him in the bathroom at 3am.
Your points are well taken. Good luck with everything.
Sometimes, because I’m getting more conditioned to instant gratification, I get all anxious when it takes a few days for someone to get back to me, especially because I can check email and FS on my phone a million times a day, compulsively, while I’m waiting. Don’t worry, Erin, everything will be okay and you’ll have those keys in your hand before you know it. On a related side note, I’m finally listening to your mix, and thank you, because it is hitting the spot and has gone along with the current weather-while-driving, perfectly.
You signed the lease right? You gave her your deposit..she can not back out on letting you have the place because you as a tenant have rights too. I believe after you sign a contract you have by law 3 days to refuse it. If it has been longer than 3 days you are fine..stop worrying and concentrate on packing. Everything will be okay “Deep Breathes”….I have to think too the thought of moving in with someone might be making you a tad bit nervous. It is a huge step and as you said you know this is what you want…you’ve been married before so this isn’t your first time at the rodeo but still it is a commitment. Cold feet happen to the best of us even if maybe you are not recognizing the signs the some of us here are seeing them in your writing. You’ll be fine..it will work out and you will have your lovely new home. Peace…
Sorry, my typing was a bit lame towards the end…
No worries, I could read it.
But everyone, seriously: I was really just freaked out to see Graham in the bathroom at 3am. I’ve been reading World War Z lately and am naturally a little high strung as it is. So, you know, if I did know karate, I would have smoked him.
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