Hey, Famous Women!

If you don’t want anyone to see your nude photos, stop taking them. It’s super easy. I don’t take them all the time and no one on the Internet knows what I look like when I step out of the shower.

You know that impulse in your brain that tells you when you need somebody to pay attention to you immediately, and what better way to get their attention than by taking photos of your very naked, very profitable body? Yeah, how about you ignore that. Instead, how about you soothe your ravenous need for an ego boost by rolling in piles of money, and how about you continue contributing to those piles of money by only getting nekkid for giant sums of it in legitimate picture shows.

But temptation is so difficult to resist, especially when you’re already naked and your phone is already in the bathroom with you. Hey, wait a second…you’re not supposed to take your phone into the bathroom! It’s humid in there, and you might drop it into the toilet, and it’s so rude to communicate with someone while you’re taking a dump. Maybe just leave your phone in the kitchen or something. That way, you can finish your shower and get dressed, and by the time the two of you reunite, the danger will have passed.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I’m a fucking genius. These alternatives to taking nude photos of yourself have obviously never occurred to you, and you’re really rich and famous, so you must be pretty smart? Oh, surely you jest. I’m not a fucking genius, I’m just a regular person who appreciates the concept of privacy and has a natural instinct for not doing things that are so incredibly fucking stupid.

Oh, wait a second, your photos were an accident. I mean, you took the photos with your own phone in your own home, and it never occurred to you that anyone on earth would ever think to take them from you, or distribute them after you *accidentally* slipped them to someone else. Surely you are correct in these assumptions. And surely no one distributed them with your permission, perhaps because you’re filming a very expensive superhero movie that historically has a so-so shot of making its money back in theaters. Surely.

And you involving the FBI to find out who took and leaked your photos was a shrewd move, especially considering the FBI has nothing better to worry about than some actress practicing her “oops, I didn’t know you were there!” pout while struggling to hold up her towel.

Again, surely.

Maybe you could take a step back from the situation. You know, when you have the time. Just take a step and acknowledge your own braindead part in this Internet shitstorm you’ve created for yourself, and consider the possibility that perhaps everyone getting to see your ass (for free!) is a small amount of cosmic payback for your inability to keep some things to yourself. And maybe, for the love of god I hope this is a huge maybe, you could put the talent behind those award nominations to work and remember that you’re not a Disney Channel star. You don’t have to do this kind of thing to get attention.

Sincerely,

Erin

PS – Way to strategically light your n00dz. Real classy.