I don’t engage in political discussions at work. That’s what the Internet is for. I get my news here, I read analysis of the news here, and I share it here because I do have opinions about politics (it would be pretty ignorant of me not to) and, since I’ve already talked about things like sex, being drunk, and getting my period here, I see no reason why politics would be off-limits. But obviously this is not work, because if it was I’d be a lot happier about my job.

Talking about politics at work is bad for about a million reasons, but the main one for me is that most people don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. It’s not the possibility of disagreement that deters me. I’m aware that my views lean far left of most of the people I encounter while working for a multinational corporation in the red center of America, so disagreement is nothing new and I don’t really get worked up about it. In fact, I’d rather you have an opinion that disagrees with mine rather than not have an opinion at all, because at least you know enough about a topic to disagree with me about it. Therein lies the problem, though, because most of the people who want to have political discussions at work don’t know shit about the topics they’re discussing, and while I am fine with disagreement, I am not fine with people who talk out of their asses.

You guys, I have had it with Grandma Airplane. It’s enough that she’s a dipshit who can’t follow directions, retain information, accept criticism, or keep a clear head for more than an hour at a time. It’s enough that she’s a racist and a Jesus freak without the slightest concept of what is appropriate (nothing, the answer is nothing) to say about either of those things. It’s enough that she never shuts the fuck up EVER about ANYTHING, and that her voice makes me want to drive nails into my ears.

All of those things are ENOUGH, but she still manages to talk shit about politics like she’s not some batshit loon without even the most basic understanding of any issue that comes out of her mouth.

On requiring drug tests for welfare recipients: “I think they should be required ‘cause my tax dollars already pay for them to be havin’ their babies, and half of them just trade in their welfare the second they get it for drugs, booze, and boxed cereal.”

On Eric Cantor’s comments that discussions on debt reduction are pointless, particularly those involving raises taxes on the wealthiest Americans: “I sure like that Senator, that Eric Cantone guy. What’s his name? I don’t know his name. He made Obama mad today! I don’t know what about, but I like that.”

On people whose primary language is not English: “If you don’t speaka da English, then you get outta this country!”

On immigration, strictly of the brown variety: “These people come into the country and steal Social Security cards, and then I gotta pay for them to have health insurance and babies!”

On the Constitutionality of SB 1070: “If you’re not here illegally then you don’t got anything to worry about!…Nobody would ask me for identification because I’m from Texas.”

On Casey Anthony: “Well, I’ll tell ya, it just breaks my heart, but you gotta think that millions of little babies are being murdered in abortions and maybe they should put those mothers on trial, too.”

It’s as if every thought in her head gets sent through a Ignorant Fucking Idiot filter before it gets shared with everyone, and not once does it ever pass through the Am I Actually Educated On This Particular Topic? filter, because I’m pretty sure she’s missing that part. I’m also pretty sure that her sole source of news the The 700 Club, because as much as I despise FOX News and regard it as an evil machine of misinformation and rich white guy logic, at least they occasionally make references to historical events and government record. And she doesn’t. At least not accurately, or in any way that would suggest she is remotely aware of them.

Again, it’s obvious that she and I won’t agree, and this is fine. But I don’t talk about these things at work. I don’t discuss them with anyone while at my desk. I don’t broadcast these opinions so that anyone within earshot (and in her case, this means anyone on the east side of the building, and I’m so not joking) can hear them. I don’t do these things because, like babies and Tevas, they are inappropriate in an office setting, and because if I were to verbalize the responses that occur in my brain, I’m pretty sure that someone would try to have me arrested.

I’m already bringing this shit up to my boss in a meeting tomorrow.  That’s the appropriate thing to do, and if nothing else, she should at least be proud of me for not turning around and asking Grandma Airplane to please shut the fuck up if she doesn’t want me to whip the fucking phone at her fucking head just to stop the fucking noise.