I hate to recycle something as old as “winning” (because I don’t even know if Charlie Sheen says it anymore), but I’m so fucking winning at the Internet.

Example #1: the below SPAM comment. At first I saw only the insult and thought “wheee, another troll!” and then I noticed the name/e-mail/complete bullshitness of the whole thing…

You know what, SPAMbot, I did think for a minute that this blog might not be enough, but then I remembered about my gigantic cock and then everything else was okay.

Example #2: the below retweet. We were drunktweeting about The Saint, but clearly somebody out there has a higher agenda:

Example #3: Someone recently found this blog by googling “why are there so many goddamn tornados.” Based on what I’ve seen on the news, there are so many goddamn tornados because warm air is pushing up from the southwest at such a bendy angle that it slams straight into the cold air we still have up/over here, and these battling temperatures cause precipitation. When the force is strong enough, there is rotation, which is what causes tornados.

A less-informed opinion is that the universe is preparing us for 2012, when we’re all supposed to die in whatever way your belief system sees fit. Personally, I’m okay with the apocalypse as long as a) it’s not zombies and b) it happens during the week. If I don’t have to battle the living dead and the world ends while I’m trying to deal with my job, then I’ll probably be happy once I’m dead and everything is quiet for once.

Relax, It’s the Regular Old Apocalypse

Crush On You, Brakesbrakesbrakes
Crazy Rulers of the World, Surf City
Lions, The Features
Wake and Be Fine, Okkervil River
Convict Lake, John Vanderslice
Sea of Love, The Honeydrippers
Le Lendemain, Marianne Dissard
Civilian, Wye Oak
The Road, Wild Talents
Hands, The Dutchess and The Duke
Jackie Wants a Black Eye, Dr. Dog
You And Me, Penny and the Quarters
Bigger Bolder, Love Is All
Beat the Devil’s Tattoo, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
Fresh Blood, Eels
Rest, Parts & Labor
Angela Surf City, The Walkmen
Blackout Baby, My Goodness
Strychnine, The Cramps
I Couldn’t Get High, The Fugs
Hear Me Moan, The Doughboys
You Don’t Miss Twice (When You’re Shavin’ With a Knife), Murder By Death
Dark Is What I Want/Strutter’s Ball, The Apostle of Hustle
Babylon Is Burning, Thieving Irons
Girls and Uniforms, The Quiet Ones
Dog Eared Summer, Brite Futures
The Slowest Drink at the Saddest Bar on the Snowiest Day in the Greatest City, The Lawrence Arms