As a dive bartender, I prefer that people know how to get drunk on the essentials: beer, whiskey, two-ingredient cocktails that don’t require special glassware.  Classic drinks, like martinis, Manhattans, etc., are also permitted.  It’s not that I can’t stand the effort, it’s just that when you make a habit of getting drunk on the make believe shit that requires stuff like fruit purees, garnishes, and sugared rims, you lose touch with what makes alcohol so great.  This is adulthood, for chrissakes, we don’t serve Kool-Aid here.  You’ve got to know when you’re getting drunk and learn to appreciate the process.

That said, I have a talent for making up some ridiculous drinks.  Take the South Side Sunrise as an example.  It contains coconut rum, orange juice, grenadine, and tequila.  It’s pretty and tasty and you will get fucking hammered after drinking just two because I serve my drinks in pint glasses.  Then there’s the Pink Lemonade, made with vodka (flavored is fine but not required), raspberry Pucker, lemonade, and lemon-lime soda.  And finally the Thoroughbred, made with black cherry-infused bourbon, a splash of Grand Marnier, and a soda-heavy press.

These drinks are valid because I make them and I know they’re effective.  Trust me, I know.  Dive bar owners are usually very accepting of employees drinking on the job, and there were quite a few nights when it was just me and the televisions (especially when I worked Tuesdays and would suck down liquor while watching The Office for three hours on TBS).  Another drink I support because a) I made it and b) it’s really fucking good was created after I stopped bartending.  I don’t have a name for it yet, but it’s already been the official cocktail of one bridal shower and was the preferred beverage of last night’s Pulling marathon at Stepanie’s (minus the rosemary, because I didn’t feel like going to the store).

Unnamed Magnificent Cocktail That You Are Free To Recreate If You Credit Me And Maybe Suggest A Name

– vodka
– limoncello
– tonic water
– ice
– fresh rosemary (the whole sprig)

Over ice, pour 1 part vodka, 2 parts limoncello, and 3-4 parts tonic water (to your taste).  Stir with fresh sprig of rosemary, left in as a garnish.

I’m a Six in St. Louis But I Could Be a Fourteen in Britain

Hello Lucille…Are You A Lesbian?, T. Valentine*
Sharivari, The Dirtbombs
Apache ‘65, David Allan
I Got Stoned, Ty Segall
Answer To Yourself, The Soft Pack
Numbers Don’t Lie, The Mynabirds
Jejune Stars, Bright Eyes
Fistful of Swoon, Vandaveer
Playground Love, Air
King Of Spain, The Tallest Man On Earth
Waiting For a War, The Morning Benders
End Of the Night, The Smith Westerns
You Mean Nothing To Me, Jay Reatard
Oye Vaya, Earl Greyhound
Casper the Friendly Ghost, Daniel Johnston
Independence Day, Elliott Smith
You Hung The Moon, Elvis Costello**
Old Fashioned, Cee-Lo Green**
What Have You Done?, Naomi Shelton and the Gospel Queens
New Orleans Walkin’ Dead, North Mississippi Allstars
I Don’t Love You No More, Kings Go Forth
A Just Built Beaming Light, The Young Evils
The Southern Ocean, Pomegranates
Failsafe, The New Pornographers
An Easy Life, Broken Bells
A Token Of Gratitude, The Radio Dept.

*Bob Reuter knows how awesome he is.

**stolen shamelessly from the fucking great 3/29 broadcast of Rocket 88.  I copied the very next two songs on that list, too, so I’ll have to make this same disclaimer on the next playlist I do.