Has everyone seen that “Friday” video by Rebecca Black?  I thought so.  If you’re the one person who hasn’t seen it, get the fuck out and don’t come back until you learn the Internet.  I can’t even link it here.  Just go home and think about what you’ve done.

Like everyone else with a working nervous system, I think the “Friday” video is awful.  Everything about it is awful.  The song is awful, the storyline is awful, the autotune is awful, and the people on the Internet who say I’m not supposed to think it’s awful are really, really, really awful.

Get it through your heads, Bleeding Hearts of the Internet: the “Friday” video fucking sucks.  It’s an abortion of music and the video medium, and regardless of whether or not Rebecca Black is a 13-year-old girl who didn’t write the song or produce the video, she’s still responsible because she’s in it.  And because of this, she is a worthy target for any and all scorn, derision, and/or mockery directed at the video, and anyone claiming that this is bullying can go fuck themselves from here to fucking Friday.

God, I am so sick of the Bleeding Hearts of the Internet.  It’s fine to have a cause and work for a better world and strive to be a kinder, gentler person.  But quit fucking bossing me around.  Don’t fucking tell me what I can and can’t think is funny.  Don’t call me a monster for mocking the absurd.  If you can’t get online without waving your white banner and scolding me for being a terrible person all the goddamn time, then turn off your computer and start writing chain letters again.  Hopefully, the effort required to accomplish such a pointless endeavor will learn you some smarts and reform your Internet behavior.  Basically, you’ll be less of a self-righteous douchebag the next time you touch a keyboard.

Just so we’re clear: making fun of the “Friday” video is not mean, nor does it amount to bullying.  Making fun of the “Friday” video is an obvious reaction to the fuckery that results when the parents of an over-privileged teenager pay some crap factory studio $2,000.00 to pimp out their child.  What are we supposed to do, not say anything?  And then garbage like “Friday” gets to multiply, and people pretend to take it seriously, and then that girl is 16 and giving double HJ’s to Simon Rex and Stephen Dorff behind the Burger King on La Cienega?  I don’t fucking think so.  Better to head this one off at the pass.  Bring her down to size now.  Let her know that under the circumstances of her having no discernible talent, we’re going to have to take away her autotune privileges and forbid her from ever seeing those little moron kids from her video ever again.

Take that girl out of the studio (and away from her rich lunatic parents) and make her read books.  Lots of them.  Make her take tests and listen to Bob Dylan and use organic tampons.  I can’t advocate locking her up altogether, but someone’s got to do something before she grows up and really starts to hate herself.