The other day, I wrote about how I watched Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans when I was sick and under the influence of medication. What I did not write was that Val Kilmer was in it. I was unaware of this when I decided to watch it, but Netflix Instant keeps sending me stuff and I keep watching it. Recent stuff, too, which is why Brennan and I thought up a project. The Val Kilmer Project.
Sound dumb? Oh, it is. I assure you, it is. This is coming from The Little Corner of Moron, after all, and you know how smart we are.
The point is that we don’t understand why Val Kilmer is in all these movies that are either terrible (eg, The Chaos Experiment) or expected to be terrible (eg, Bad Lieutenant etc.). He’s a good actor and we enjoy him, so naturally there is a vast entertainment industry conspiracy that must be overthrown. This is why Brennan, Fiala, and I (known at The Val Kilmer Project as Cape Dodgewell, Franklin Lambert, and, uh, Erin) are going to help Val Kilmer get back on top.
Thing is, we’re not quite sure how to do this. We initially discussed writing him letters, but then I remembered that I was sober and felt nervous about sending idiot-level harassment through the mail. Then we talked about making T-shirts, which is something we’ve already done for another idiot idea so it won’t be hard this time around. Then I decided to just make a website we could all edit, because if we want anyone to support The Val Kilmer Project, it’s the kind of people who sit around and read the Internet all day.
So now we have The Val Kilmer Project (dot Tumblr dot com). If you have a Tumblr, you can follow and reblog us, ask us questions, and submit your own Kilmers. If you don’t have a Tumblr (even though all the cool kids are doing it), you can bookmark the page and like us on Facebook. Together, we can get Val Kilmer back on top of the film industry!
We crest excellence!
Me: We should get Fiala involved, too, because without him, we’d just have to end our letters with “Signed, Two Idiots.”
Brennan: Oh, we’re definitely idiots.
Me: We’re just going to have to take control of his career. You can handle the fitness part and I’ll intimidate people over the phone. Fiala, do you want to be in this?
Fiala: I don’t care.
Me: We might have to quit our jobs and move away to wherever he lives if this thing takes off.
Fiala: I’m not quitting anything, especially not my job with health insurance. I can do that shit by e-mail.
Me: Fine. I wonder if he’d bother to answer our letters.
Brennan: I think he would.
Fiala: You know how to get him to answer your letter? Tie it to a Jack Daniel’s bottle. Here ya go. He’s answering your letter.
Brennan: We can make T-shirts that say VKP. Everyone will think it’s some Russian mob group. But it’s The Val…Kilmer…Project.
Me: And on the back, we should have a photo of him and the words “BACK ON TOP!”
Brennan: We could have a picture of a mountain with Val Kilmer on it. You’ve crested excellence.
Me: I like it. Which Val Kilmer, though? I vote for Real Genius or Tombstone.
Brennan: We could do Mount Rushmore and put Val Kilmer faces in place of all the presidents.
Me: Behold, the majesty of Mount Kilmore.
Brennan: Tee-hee, this is dumb.
Me: MWA-hahahaha, this is brilliant.
Brennan: We should do him from Real Genius, him from Tombstone, him as Iceman, and…Batman?
Me: Batman was terrible. Let’s do Jim Morrison.
Brennan: After The Doors, he played every role as Jim Morrison.
Me: Okay, I don’t know anything about Photoshop, but my friend is a graphic designer and is totally behind The Val Kilmer Project. I’m texting her now.
Brennan: Are we going to send him pictures of these shirts?
Me: Maybe. He can’t be hard to find. The Internet says he lives in New Mexico. So…address the letters to Val Kilmer, General Delivery in New Mexico?
Brennan: It’ll work.
Fiala: This is stupid.
Me: I don’t see how anyone would not want to work with us.
Brennan: We crest excellence.