FIRST OF ALL, someone needs to address why anyone agreed to marry Jesse James again.  The publicly cheating on his wife was one thing – personally, I would never marry a man who 100% admitted to cheating on his legal spouse, but I know it’s not a big deal for a lot of other people – but the fact that he cheated with a neo-Nazi strip club attraction and has a bit of a Nazi fetish himself?  It could be that I’m just not perverted enough for the world today, what with my not having any sort of inclination towards Nazis or their memorabilia, but what in the fuck, Kat Von D?  What’s wrong with you?

Actually, I think I know what’s wrong with Kat Von D.  Before I say it, though, I’d like to point out the following:

I think Kat Von D is good at what she does, that being tattooing.  I mean the act of applying tattoos, because she can’t run a fucking shop to save her life and if it wasn’t for the TV show she’d be licking meth residue off the kitchen counter by now.  Damn, woman, learn to command a staff meeting!  And quit letting people tell stories for fucking hours while they’re getting tattooed.  Tattoo shows have ruined tattoo shops, you know.  Not the shops themselves, really, but when you’re trying to have a conversation with your artist about your next big piece and some lunatic is yammering away about the story behind their little pink and yellow butterfly, it’s a good thing my apprenticeship fell through years ago because I’d have become a total sadist.

So.  Kat Von D is a very good artist but a crap businesswoman and she sort of helped ruin the industry.  Anyway.

I think that what’s really wrong with Kat Von D is that she’s descended from Nazis.  And this is only my theory, but considering this Jesse James thing, it explains a lot.

Kat Von D’s real name is Katherine Von Drachenberg, and although she has this big Latina thing going on, her family actually comes from Germany, followed by Argentina.  Think about that: Germany followed by Argentina.  If I have learned anything from The Simpsons, it’s that Argentina was once an Escaping Nazi War Criminal Country Du Jour, and South Americans with uber-Germanic names might not be totally…kosher.  In more ways than just the figure of speech.

And because we’re talking about a girl with lots of tattoos, I’d like to address girls who get tattooed across their boobs and above their vaginas.  Girls, seriously: couldn’t you spend the money on some “I didn’t have a father” therapy instead?  Do you really need attention that badly, or are your boobs that ugly and your vagina that diseased?

I suppose the boobs can be excused in some cases – I’m not getting mine done because my boobs are pretty great enough on their own, thanks – but I don’t think it’s coincidence that most of the girls I’ve seen with giant boob tattoos?  Ugly girls.  Fat girls.  Girls who don’t know how else to get someone to look at them.  Same with vagina tattoos, which cannot ever be excused because they are stupid.  Really, you want “Ride ‘Em, Cowboy” inked above your pubis with some six-shooters pointing at your clit?  How lonely are you to have to advertise like that?  I’m not saying that not getting tattooed is a way of playing hard to get, but I sort of think that girls who get these things are just trying to distract the rest of us from their inability to read.

Have some self-respect, ladies.  Don’t tattoo your sex parts for attention and quit marrying neo-Nazi sympathizers, or at the very least, stop acting disappointed when none of these work out.

Plus if you’re not like Aunt Becky, you’ll never meet your Uncle Jesse.  Which I don’t believe, I just needed an excuse to post this video: