I’m not usually interested in the whys of the zombie apocalypse.  I mean, mostly I just want to know how long I can survive without having to encounter zombies on an hourly basis.  The beginning of the zombie apocalypse probably wouldn’t be so bad.  It would be small in scale and relatively controllable by local police (possibly also militias, and in my neighborhood, this idea is actually scarier than zombies) (also this is not considering the theory that our culture is full of zombies as it is, so any zombie issues would probably be dealt with quickly and easily and therefore not escalate into full-blown apocalypse).

I’m talking about the big zombie apocalypse, the kind where you have to barricade your whole house and pretty much no real human survives.  Just so we’re always clear, this is the kind of zombie apocalypse I have no expectation of surviving.  There’s a lot of reasons, but it’s okay – just like with the invalidism and senility that comes with extreme old age, it’s not something I especially want to live through.  When it becomes clear that the zombie apocalypse is really, irreparably bad, I’m just going to find a shitload of heroin and save it for whenever I have to kill myself.  This sounds bleak but it’s way better than shooting myself or getting my intestines eaten out while I’m still alive.  So there.

ANYWAY.  While I’m not interested in why zombies have taken over or why they have an insatiable need for human flesh/brains, I’m still totally jealous of this blog comment:

“Brain tissue has got substances called “Endorphins” & “Encephalins” which are morphine like substances, & are produced by the brain in cases of severe pain to ease it out, so when the mouse is between the teeth of the cat, suddenly it falls into a coma like state, due to these substances. This was mentioned briefly in 1985’s “Return of the Living Dead” when they tied up the half woman corpse & asked her why do they eat brains, she answered “it makes the pain go away”. Nice fact. “
via Mayafish

This makes perfect sense, and man, how deep is “it makes the pain go away”?  And if we’re thinking in those terms, then how different are zombies from severe drug addicts in withdrawal?  And if we’re thinking in those terms, does it not stand to reason that a major drug use epidemic could be the eventual root of the zombie apocalypse?  Like maybe it’s some superdrug that hasn’t been invented yet but will probably start out like Ecstasy and get prescribed by psychiatrists – because everyone is in therapy nowadays, anyway – for awhile before the effects are noticed and the drug discontinued, but already too many people are hopelessly addicted?  Or maybe it’s some poor person’s science experiment and becomes cheaper than crack and meth but has the preservative powers of heroin, and then the FDA outlaws the main ingredient like they did norepinephrine (seriously, just give me the fucking Sudafed if I’m sick)?  And people can’t get their fix anymore?  And they just revolt?  By eating other people?!?!

I think we all know by now that the zombie apocalypse will be a manmade event.  We’re going to be to blame when it all goes to shit.  And if we’re thinking about current trends and the fact that 2012 is the big year*, so to speak, we may not have a lot of time to develop new, world-wipe-outable technologies and will probably have to default to the agents of destruction we already have.  Drugs.  Therapy.  Me wondering where I’m going to get really good heroin when it goes down.

These are the things that keep me up at night.  They’re also the only things I can talk about right now, because I want to tell you about jury duty so badly but the judge said we weren’t allowed.

* For the record, I do not believe that the world will end in 2012.  I know the Mayan calendar ends then, but they also practiced human sacrifice, so…maybe not the smartest civilization in history?