I was clicking around on the Internet the other day and found this: How Do You Explain Away Crying After Sex? Even before clicking on it, I knew the answer. The answer is “You don’t. You stand up, put your damn clothes on, and go home, and you never have sex with anyone again, or at least not until you learn to control yourself. Christ.”
Seriously, ladies. What is wrong with you that the world needs an article like this? And one of the author’s guesses at the cause of crying during or after sex is “the intensity of orgasm or the intimacy of sexing another person.” I don’t want to seem like a prude or anything, but I have never had an orgasm so intense or a “sexing” so intimate that I cried. Maybe that’s just me and I admit I don’t know the depths of your loneliness, but methinks that is some bullshit.
Oh, but it gets better, because according to the author again, denying her hypotheses (like I did) means that “Pretending otherwise involves a serious systematic lock-down of emotions that is not advised over here at RtB.” RtB stands for “Romancing the Bone,” by the way, a clever play on the movie title that the author of this post is a) not cool enough to have watched multiple times in her youth and b) who even cares, because she’s not good enough in bed to get to use the word “bone” in casual conversation or blog-ish posts. But yeah, author I don’t even want to name here because you’re a goddamn moron, my “serious systematic lock-down of emotions” is to blame. Not, you know, my ability to conduct myself like an adult. You’re so right.
And THEN the author says that one night stands do not deserve tears (which I guess is the only correct thing she’s saying?), and that if a woman finds herself crying during/after sex and her partner is weirded out, he’s not good enough for her! And that she should “save those damp sheets” (from tears, I imagine, not the intensity of orgasm) for someone who deserves them. Meaning, someone who is more accustomed to people who weep during sex, which brings up a whole other host of problems in my head.
WHAT IN THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE. More to the point, what in the fuck is wrong with people who pay people like this to write things? Crying during consensual sex is something done by the mentally ill and people who want attention. It’s not done under normal circumstances and it’s not okay. If I was having sex with someone and they started crying, I’d send them on their way immediately with no cab fare. That’s unacceptable.
It’s like this, only “there’s no crying in boning!”
Speaking of unacceptable, I know someone who seems to have developed a crying problem. Well, it’s a getting-shitfaced-drunk-and-crying problem, as he only cries when he’s hammered. Problem is, he’s hammered almost all of the time. Everyone is allowed to get drunk every now and then, but this person does it without any real reason and he doesn’t just stay put. He drives. He gets too loaded to speak and he gets in his car and he drives. Both his plates and his license are expired and he has no insurance. Clearly, he is the smartest man in the world.
Back to the crying. Almost a year ago, this guy was in one of the worst relationships I have ever known with one of the worst people I have ever known. Nobody thought this was a good relationship; he didn’t even want to have sex with her. But he latches onto things like a drooly kid with a teddy bear, and when she broke up with him, he kind of fell apart. Now, I’m no stranger to heartbreak so I understand his grief to a point, but by now, he’s not sad beyond his control. Now he’s choosing to be sad. He wants to be fucked up. He’s done this before, trust me. To him, this makes him more interesting. To everyone else, it makes him more of a liability. Know what it’s like to throw a party and have that weepy bastard blowing snot bubbles over in the corner? Fucking lame.
While I don’t want the thought of him having sex to enter my brain, unfortunately, I suspect that when he does (and it’s always with half-assed goth-y fat girls who don’t wash their hair), he cries all over the place. Again, this is unacceptable.
No friend of mine is allowed to cry during sex, just like this guy is no longer allowed to come to any of my parties.
Where is R. Lee Ermey when you need him to administer some therapy? “Maybe we should chug on over to mamby-pamby land so you can buy yourself some self-confidence, you jackwagon!”