There’s something about 11 hours of sleep that makes me feel like I just woke up hungover. Not like I simply got too much sleep, but hungover: my gums are dry, my head hurts, and my bones ache until I want to search myself for mystery bruises. Back when I was drinking all the time, I also worked three jobs and was averaging maybe 4 hours of sleep a night. Looking back, I guess it’s probable that I woke up still drunk on numerous occasions, but at least being still drunk feels good (it’s cyclical, right, like the beginning of a buzz?).
I didn’t drink at all last night, by the way. I took my laptop over to the couch and watched Sex and the City on E!. Yeah. I know. I can’t explain why I like that show, especially as I get older and more annoyed by everything those women say. Back when it was originally on HBO, I’d go over to my friend Chrissy’s house every Sunday to watch it and the Sopranos. When I was younger and watching Sex and the City (the HBO version, meaning there were more boobs – instead of seeing Sarah Jessica Parker’s nipples through her tank top when she’s supposed to be at a public park, for chrissakes – and people said “fuck” on TV), obviously the coolest one on the show was Carrie. While her shit wasn’t the most together, she at least had the best apartment and foxy shoes. Now that I’m older, though, Carrie’s life doesn’t seem so hot. None of them do, actually. When nearly 30-year-old Me watches Sex and the City, this is who she sees onscreen:
Carrie: Fiscally irresponsible narcissist with an unnecessary lisp. Sleeps with paunchy older man even though he habitually hooks up with (and sometimes marries!) other women because he is allegedly the love of her life. Not very witty, either, and includes in every single column, “I couldn’t help but wonder,” which makes me all the more jealous that she’s published. Like Snooki. Fuck me, right?
Charlotte: What a fucking idiot. Someone needs to take this girl to Stepford and put her out of her misery. Charlotte is the worst character because she’s a) the dumbest, b) the most prude, to the point where she refuses to give blowjobs, and c) has the worst fucking face. I would never be friends with this person in real life. Ever.
Samantha: Embarrassingly insecure, but actually the most fun person on this show. Samantha is a dirty old slut who has the best one-liners, even if her apartment looks like a bordello and she purrs like a diabetic cat instead of speaking.
Miranda: Big old lesbian.
…I shouldn’t have been watching this last night. I should have been writing a workshop piece, but I’m more comfortable doing that at the dining room table. For the past two nights, the asshole ghetto kids across the street have been shining a laser pointer into my dining room. The first night it was just on the wall, so whatever. They’re kids and they’ll get bored with it eventually, right? Not so much. The next night, they went for my eyes. Repeatedly. They didn’t stop when I gave them the no-look finger, so I picked up my phone and pretended to call the cops. This stopped them. Also, the next morning I left a note on the front door.
“If you have kids and they have a laser pointer, please take it away from them. They have been shining it into my apartment – and into my eyes, which can cause blindness – for the past two nights. Let them know that next time, I’m calling the cops. Thanks!”
I don’t know if their parents got the note or if they found it first, but hopefully the threat of police action keeps them from pissing me off any further. Fuck those kids. I’ve lived here for 4 years and not once has a neighbor tried to blind me. They’ve been here for less than a month and clearly need to get smacked around in juvy before they can go live amongst regular humans again.
I still really need to wake up.
Another Kind of Cyclical Buzz
If The Kids Are United, The Duke Spirit
Choir of Angels, Deer Tick
Punks In The Beerlight, Silver Jews
Hey Joni, Sonic Youth
West One (Shine On Me), The Ruts
T.V. Eye, The Stooges
TV Party, Black Flag
I Don’t Wanna, Sham 69
I’ve Changed My Address, The Jam
Runnin, Heartless Bastards
Hey Sailor, Detroit Cobras
It Doesn’t Matter, Cut Off Your Hands
It’s Thunder and It’s Lightning, We Were Promised Jetpacks
Lost Coastlines, Okkervil River
NYC-Gone, Gone, Conor Oberst
World’s Smallest Violin, Paleo
How We Fade, The Thermals
Even In Your Lightest Day, Darker My Love
Broke Down, Radio Moscow
Bloodhounds On My Trail, The Black Angels
Do You Love Me?, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
It Helps, Tilts
My Companjera, Gogol Bordello
Black Dirt, Sea Wolf
Rocking Horse, The Dead Weather
Malela, The Brian Jonestown Massacre
Second Date, Vivian Girls
Waterfall, The Fresh and Onlys
Blood Moon, Deer Tick
How Can I Love You If You Won’t Lie Down?, Silver Jews
Darling, You’re Mean, The Duke Spirit