In some cities, people celebrate New Year’s with noisemakers, pots and pans, or fireworks.  In St. Louis, everyone goes outside and starts firing their guns.  The most festive of my neighbors shot off at 8:34pm.  After that, it was scattered gunfire all over the fucking place.  While I do love this city with all of my heart and am not ready to leave it again, there are some things that make me wonder why I’m still here.  Continuing to shoot guns into the air on New Year’s, despite billboards and commercials and cops telling you it’s not safe, those bullets come down sometime and they can kill people, speaks of a deep and frightening ignorance here.  It’s not like I don’t see this ignorance every day (especially in my own little corner of ‘hood), but I’m trying to get around here.  I don’t need to get shot on my way to a house party because being stupid is (apparently) more fun for some people in my neighborhood.

I can’t wait to see their faces when the world ends in 2012.  BANG, assholes.

Yesterday I said that I was furious with someone but, thanks to a years-ago resolution to wait 24 hours before posting anything in anger, I wasn’t saying anything about it then.  By my estimation, though, it’s been or is just about 24 hours now.

GODDAMMIT.

Did that bother you?  I mean the word itself, not the all caps or the misspelling (sorry, but “goddamnit” looks equally dumb to me).  Did it bother you that I took God and pushed it right in front of “dammit,” effectively “taking the Lord’s name in vain?”  Are you offended?  If so, why?  Is it because you think everyone has to acknowledge God the way you do, or because you think that if God does exist, He’s really bothered by people saying “goddammit” and needs you to come to His defense?

If you are offended because of the above, I’d like to ask you to a) get a fucking life and quit pushing your religion on me, b) learn that God doesn’t need you to protect Him, just like Jesus isn’t pissed off when those giant green billboards get taken down because He doesn’t need marketing, and even if He did He certainly wouldn’t ask you to be on His creative team, and c) shut the fuck up about it.  I can say whatever the fuck I want because I am a grownup, and “goddammit” is just a word.

Or you’re Grandma Airplane, which means that not only are you as crazy as I originally suspected, but you’re also mean, racist, and a God Warrior to boot.

Yesterday, I said “goddammit” at work.  I said it to someone in casual conversation and didn’t worry about it because the person to whom I was speaking didn’t care, and it was a holiday week with barely anyone in the building.  Except Grandma Airplane, of course, who asked told everyone that they weren’t allowed to take the Lord’s name in vain around her.  The difference between asking and telling is this:

Asking: “Would you mind not saying that when I’m here?  I find it offensive.”

Telling: “Would no one say that around me?  It’s extremely offensive and I can’t hear that.  It really bothers me, I don’t want to hear it around me.  It’s very rude and I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t do that again.”

NOW.  I don’t think her request was entirely unreasonable.  If any other decent person had asked us not to say “goddammit” anymore, I probably would have (begrudgingly, but still) said okay.  But Grandma Airplane is not any other decent person.  She’s a petty, vindictive crazy old bitch who, not even an hour before, loudly declared that anyone who did not speak perfect English should “get out of this country.”  Twice.

Most of us had some idea she was a racist because a few months ago, she told a wetback joke in front of a few Mexican IT guys and followed that up with a rant about how “they come across our borders and take our jobs, and I can’t afford health insurance but they steal Social Security numbers and get it for free!”  Which is fine to mutter to yourself as you sit in your Recliner O’ Crazy at night.  I mean, if you’re really deluded and hateful, I guess that’s your opinion, but keep it to yourself.  Definitely don’t talk about it at work, especially in front of some of these alleged border crossing, SSN-stealing, health insurance moochers.  Who are citizens.  And they legally work here.  And you’re an asshole who has no right to tell me that saying “goddammit” is offensive.

So when Grandma Airplane told me that I wasn’t allowed to say “goddammit” the first time, I ignored her.  When she kept talking and told me I wasn’t allowed to say it again, I told her that I would stop offending her god when she stopped saying racially offensive things at work.

To which she replied, “What I said and what you said are two very different subjects.”

And she’s right, actually.  Saying “goddammit” is far less offensive and inappropriate than claiming non-English-as-a-first-language customers of our company should be deported.  So they are different subjects.  And later, when I muttered “Jesus Christ” under my breath, she barked at me to please stop offending her.

I answered that if she was offended by something I said under my breath because she was listening especially hard for it, that was her problem.  Especially since I’ve been asking her to do her job correctly for months now and she hasn’t heard a fucking thing I’ve said to her face.

Jesus Fucking Christ, Grandma Airplane.  How about you make a New Year’s resolution to act like more of a blasphemer and less of a racist nutjob with a pissy axe to grind?