IT’S A CHRISTMAS MEEEER-ACLE! The Snoopy Sno-Cone Maker I got for my nephew – the one that was originally lost and falsely reported as delivered by US “We Don’t Give A Fuck” PS – arrived this morning! USPS said it was delivered with two other packages last Saturday. This never happened, and their initial promise that I would receive an answer and/or my shit within 2 business days has now turned into a six business day ordeal. My mom and Graham will still be getting one of their presents for New Year’s (hopefully), but I filed a claim with Round Table Toys and they next day aired another Sno-Cone Maker to me! This time with UPS! Free of charge!
It’s not like the kid won’t get any other presents this year, but he’s four now. This isn’t like previous years where he had no idea whether or not I got him a present. I wanted to be able to give him something at all, and I was so excited about the Snoopy Sno-Cone Maker. I had one when I was a kid and it was totally boss. Plus he’s always asking for sno-cones because he doesn’t understand that no sane person is going to sit in a mini-Airstream to serve up shaved ice in the middle of St. Louis winter.
Thank you, Round Table Toys, and thank you, UPS Man. It’s Christmas Eve and snowing and you still showed up to work, and I’m so glad you did because my nephew LOST HIS SHIT when he opened that present. For serious, UPS Man. If I’d known you were coming, I would have left some cookies in the mail slot (not a euphemism for sex acts).
Graham’s working tonight, so I’m going to hang out at home with a bottle of wine and my new Kindle. I didn’t ask for it (in fact I’m suspicious of anyone who would rather read books onscreen than on paper), but the last time my mother bought me a piece of electronic equipment I didn’t ask for, I wound up with a Wii. So it might turn out okay.
(I could start on my three actual gift books – Keith Richards’ Life (!!!), Jennifer Egan’s A Visit From the Goon Squad, and Dethroning the King: The Hostile Takeover of Anheuser-Busch, An American Icon (despressing!) – but I received a jury duty summons yesterday. Probably best to save the real books for when I’m about to die from several days of mind-numbing, soul-crushing, civic duty boredom.)
Oh, and listen:
All the Bars On Christmas Are Waiting For Closing Time
Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis, Tom Waits
Pt. IV: Psalm, John Coltrane
I Won’t Dance, Frank Sinatra ft. Count Basie
Pitter Patter Goes My Heart, Broken Social Scene
King Hummingbird, JJ Grey and Mofro
Ghost, Neutral Milk Hotel
Theme from “Cheers,” Titus Andronicus
The Mighty Sparrow, Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
Do You Want New Wave or Do You Want the Truth, The Minutemen
Ludlow St, Julian Casablancas
Girl, Built To Spill
We Both Go Down Together, The Decemberists
Little River, The Tallest Man On Earth
Dead Letter Office, French Letters
This Heart’s On Fire, Wolf Parade
Everything With You, The Pains of Being Pure At Heart
Early In the Morning, Ike and Tina Turner
Sweet Jane, Mott the Hoople
At The Cut, The Cave Singers
Three Sisters, The Jim Carroll Band
Nobody Could Change Your Mind, The Generationals
Down By The Water, The Drums
The Sweetest Thing, Camera Obscura
Crazy For You, Best Coast
Grapefruit Moon, Tom Waits