You’re Fucking Welcome

The thing about winter is FUCK WINTER.  It was 6 motherfucking degrees out when I woke up this morning.  Instead of actual weather information, the Forecast Fox plug-in at the bottom of my screen just show a bunch of frozen thermometers.  Every winter I remind myself that I wanted to move back to St. Louis because I was tired of it being 70 degrees and sunny all the time, but now all I can say is that I must have been truly delusional and depressed back then, because who on earth would make this choice?

When it’s like 15 degrees out and the wind is gusting along hard enough to blow your hood off your head (thus making all the static electricity on the block run for cover in my hair), I’d kind of rather stay home.  Staying home means I can eat pizza rolls and watch Netflix for hours.  Speaking of Netflix (I know, I do this a lot): I fucking love you, X-Files: Season 2 on Netflix Instant.  Let’s be friends always.

This is not to say I’d go out a lot if the weather were nicer.  I get a little reclusive every couple of years, and now is looking like that time.  If I go out, I don’t stay out long.  This is partly because unlike some people I know (ahem, Katie and Dave), alcohol does not act as a stimulant in my bloodstream.  When I get drunk and tired (usually around 1:30am), I don’t want more booze.  I want to go home.  I want to go to bed.  I want to be somewhere that is not Trophy Room, because first of all it’s a shitty bar, and second, I am a grownup and I can make my own decisions.

One drawback to leaving early is that all of your drunk friends will start talking shit on you.  They’ll talk shit because you’re lame, because you’d rather be alone than be with them, and because, somehow, you are failing them by remaining single and childless.

YES.

I fucking heard what you guys said about me two Saturdays ago.  You idiots.  Because I feel it’s better to make fools of you here than privately call you on the phone and give you the what for, here are the answers to your questions.

Q1: Why don’t Graham and I just get married?
A1: Because marriage is an archaic institution designed by the Church to consolidate property and other items of value, which would ultimately lead to more valuable tithing in the future.  Also, it’s an expensive pain in the ass and extremely hard to get out of once you decide you’ve had enough.

Q2: If Graham and I have already been together for this long, what else is getting married going to do?
A2: Uh, exactly.  Getting married isn’t going to do anything else, so why go through with it?  But I suppose the more thorough answer to your question would be that getting married puts unnecessary pressure on two people to stay together for fear of taxes, lawsuits, falling property value, and extensive legal paperwork.  Speaking from experience, that piece of paper is very heavy, indeed, and I don’t think I was ever happier in my adult life than I was when I learned I wasn’t married anymore.

Q3: Could marriage really be that bad?
A3: Yes.  It’s fucking horrible.

Q4: Oh, like you don’t know any people who are happily married.  Look at Vern and Ben!
A4: Vern and Ben are freaks of nature who found the loves of their lives when they were sophomores in high school.  Nothing about them is at all typical of most people who get married, and statistically, most people who get married don’t stay married.  And this is not to say that Graham and I aren’t happy.  We are happy – at least, I think we are – and a marriage ceremony isn’t going to make us any happier.  If anything, it will make me crazier, because fucking hell, think of all that money.

Q5: Doesn’t Erin want babies?
A5: HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING TO A THING I’VE SAID EVER?!?!

Q6: But if Graham wants babies, I’m sure we can change Erin’s mind.
A6: The thing about Graham is that because he’s very friendly and chill and fun to be around, some people assume there’s not a lot to him.  This is a mistake.  Graham went to college on a scholarship for chemistry and mathematics.  He is wicked smaht in a lot of ways that would scare you if he was the kind of person who had to demonstrate that advantage over other people.  Just because he sometimes acts like a big kid (and what friendly, chill, fun-to-be-around dude doesn’t?) doesn’t mean he wants some of his own.  He would rather get to throw parties and go on trips and keep buying bikes than spend all that time and money on babies.

Q7: You didn’t answer the changing Erin’s mind part…
A7: Oh, right, sorry.  You’re a goddamned idiot.  I have never wanted kids.  Fucking ever.  I didn’t play with dolls, I wasn’t the mommy when we played house, and I have no maternal instincts whatsoever.  Also, considering the amount of alcohol and drugs I’ve ingested during my lifetime (not to mention all the time I’ve spent hanging out in front of waist-height microwaves in the hopes of rendering myself sterile), it’s highly unlikely that I would birth a genius who would someday save the world.  So what’s the point?

Q8: I really just think you need to wear Erin down and marry her.
A8: Shut up, Dave.

Hey, I got new glasses today.  They’re kind of blue.  I knew I wanted either blue or green, because I already have black glasses, and blue and green are my other best colors.  My only colors, actually, because brown looks like shit (literally), yellow and orange make me look like I’m about to throw up, and red makes me look like a transvestite.

I can pick them up in a week!

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About erineph

I'm Erin. I have tattoos and more than one cat. I am an office drone, a music writer, and an erstwhile bartender. I am a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen. Things I enjoy include but are not limited to zombies, burritos, Cthulhu, Kurt Vonnegut, Keith Richards, accordions, perfumery, and wearing fat pants in the privacy of my own home.
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