Computer viruses are the modern sociopaths.  They’re faceless, emotionless, and cruel in existence and intent.  They exist for reasons that don’t extend far beyond causing frustration and sometimes permanent damage of things you were probably saving for a reason.  My most recent virus struck last night.  Just under an hour ago, my friend Mike was able to get it and its little herp friends the fuck off my computer and bring most everything else up to date.

Thank you, Mike.  Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou.  I don’t know how I was supposed to live the last day and a quarter of my 4-day weekend without the Internet.  Thank you.

OH, and I would like say this to anyone who has ever accused me of being a grammar/spelling/not looking like an idiot on Facebook Nazi: SUCK MY ASS.  You know how I didn’t somehow make matters worse with this virus?  Because when it popped up a phony, poorly-worded error message that generated a phony, poorly-worded virus scan that generated a totally bullshit, consistently misspelled, you-motherfuckers-are-creating-computer-viruses-to-break-into-strangers’-machines-from-far-away-and-you-can’t-even-fucking-read website that asked me to pay a minimum of $49.95 for a system cleanup, I DIDN’T FALL FOR IT.  Any legitimate business with a legitimate product had damn well better use spellcheck, and no site that’s been budget translated from the Chinese is getting any of my money.

It’s kind of embarrassing to realize how much I love and depend on the Internet, but it’s such a relief to enjoy the use of my laptop again.  You know what happens when I can’t do anything on the computer?  I make dinner, invite people over to eat it, and end up drinking a bottle and a half of wine (plus a pint of hard cider).  When I met Mike at The Mud House at 2pm, I was in the thirsty and shaky stages of hangover and needed iced tea and a sandwich.  Once I had the sandwich (club with onion jam, also a cup of the best tomato soup in the werld) and drank the first iced tea, I was no longer shaky but had transitioned to still thirsty and now also dizzy.  I then moved through the nauseous, sweaty, headachy, and always fucking thirsty phases, and it was only during the last 30 minutes of Mike’s rescue efforts did I begin to feel like a functioning human being again.

Songs To Celebrate To After Mike Fixes Your Computer and Your Hangover Goes Away

I Don’t Believe You, The Thermals
Free Won’t Be What It Used to Be, Louis XIV
Your Love Belongs Under A Rock, The Dirtbombs
Rocket In My Pocket, The Cramps
Just Like Heaven, Dinosaur Jr.
Smoke, Lucero
Across the Universe, The Beatles
Elder Chels, Sleepy Kitty
Why d’Ya Do It?, Marianne Faithfull
Jenks, America, Epperly
Oh, Candy, Cheap Trick
So It Goes, Nick Lowe
Gimme A Chantz!, Sleepy Kitty
You’ll Be Bright (Invocation p. 1), Cloud Cult
Bloodbuzz, Ohio, The National
I’m On Fire, Bruce Springsteen