The Pumpkin Pie Pop Tart Taste Test

This is what happens when you don’t go out because you think you might have social anxiety problems:

A few years ago, I liked going places that were crowded with strangers, and I could have a good time in most situations.  Big group of friends, just a couple of people, by myself, didn’t matter.  But lately, I’m finding that my stress level goes up when I have to be out in public, and from the moment I arrive somewhere, I’m usually thinking about how long it’ll be before I can leave.  I’m not having panic attacks or anything like that, and I still think it’s bullshit to medicate yourself just because you’d rather stay home most of the time, but it’s been sort of a drag.  The other night, Dave said “it’s very hard to keep you in the loop” after I had three beers and decided to go home.  In my defense, I’d woken up at 5:30am and it was (at that time) midnight, and also I was in Kirkwood and not about to drive home drunk.  But I still know what he means, and he’s right.  It’s very hard to keep someone in the loop when they avoid most social interactions.*  Leaving the house on the weekend when everyone else is going out has become less of a welcome distraction from life and more of a chore.

But you probably want to know about the Pop-Tarts.

(Making skeptical face while also biting the actual box.  Demonstrative!)

I saw these the other night at the grocery store.  Part of me wanted to throw up, but the other part of me wanted to buy them immediately (namely, the part that gets excited when anything is priced 2 for $5.00).  I mentioned them to a few people, but no one had seen them and nobody had any idea they existed.  While I had no expectation that I would enjoy them (I don’t even like pumpkin pie all that much), like almost everything I work to justify buying, I thought about the benefit they would bring to the Internet.  In case any of you had seen Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts and wondered who on earth would buy such a thing, the answer is Me.  And I’m doing it for You.

Hm.  Looks like a regular Pop-Tart, though I do enjoy Kellogg’s effort at seasonal sprinkle colors.  And yes, that Pop-Tart is on a baking sheet.  I think I own a toaster, but it got covered in cat hair during that whole year I didn’t clean or do the dishes.  I may have thrown it out by this point, I don’t know.  My oven is only slightly larger than a toaster, anyway, so it’s practically the same thing.

After toasting at 350 degrees for like 5 minutes or something, the Pop-Tarts are (probably) done.  They don’t smell like pumpkin pie while they’re toasting.  They just smell like Pop-Tarts.

I like burnt sugar on my Pop-Tarts, but for the sake of everyone on the Internet and their expectations re: ideally toasted Pop-Tarts, I just did them regular this time.  Gee, I hope it’s not raw in the middle.  The last thing I need at this point is to call in sick with salmonella during a holiday week when no one will believe me.

Oh my god.  It looks weird in there.  Like baby diarrhea.

It tastes like imitation pumpkin, which in the world of Pop-Tarts means it’s a success.  Kind of like an ultra-concentrate of something.  I don’t mean this extremely literally because maybe it’s only the overload of clove that leads me to this comparison, but it sort of tastes like cheap brown curry paste.

Meh.  Not entirely terrible.  Definitely better with coffee.  They smell better than they taste.  I’m not sure about the “recipe” on the box, though, as it advised crumbling up the Pop-Tarts, throwing them on a pile of ice cream, and then drizzling the mess with caramel and toasted nuts.  If I’m going to spend the money on nuts and then take time to toast them, I’m sure as shit not going to waste them on these fucking things.

Stoned, these would be a decent autumn treat.  Any other time, not so much.  Even if I get so socially awkward that I can’t leave the house.

*But we did see a fancy hooker at the bar!  Her shoes cost more than my car and her shoulder bones were like doorknobs!  It looked like the worst “date” ever!

About erineph

I'm Erin. I have tattoos and more than one cat. I am an office drone, a music writer, and an erstwhile bartender. I am a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen. Things I enjoy include but are not limited to zombies, burritos, Cthulhu, Kurt Vonnegut, Keith Richards, accordions, perfumery, and wearing fat pants in the privacy of my own home.
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1 Response to The Pumpkin Pie Pop Tart Taste Test

  1. Courtney says:

    I’m going to call that last look your “Liz Lemon” face.

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