The other day, I tweeted that although Ryan Reynolds had been named the Sexiest Man Alive, his face reminded me of something…dirty:
Because it does. Unless there’s a beard on it (and I don’t mean Scarlett Johansson, zing!), it looks so menacingly pubescent and disturbing. I’m aware that many people think he’s very good-looking, but as my friend Sandy says, he’s got doucheface. Through no fault of his own, probably, but if genetics dealt me a funny nose and bad teeth and a tendency towards alcoholism, I’m sure Ryan Reynolds can learn to live with his face.
This tweet was re-tweeted by a Film Pig. This alone is pretty cool, because while I think I’m funny some of the time, I’m certainly not clever enough to wittily summarize a shitty movie in my friend’s car. Later I can rip on it all day long, but immediately after the movie is when I’m angry enough to sit there and mutter “fucking balls” and think about how I’m supposed to make up those 2+ hours at the end of my life. The re-tweet, then, made me happy.
Because a Film Pig retweeted me, all of his followers saw what I wrote. And one of them was none too happy about my opinion of Ryan Reynolds:
If I was less excellent at the Internet, I might feel bad about this situation. My feelings might be hurt and I might decide to troll the fuck out of this girl, and at the end of my campaign, I’d look like an even bigger asshole than she apparently thinks I am.
But I am not less excellent at the Internet; I am in fact WAY excellent at the Internet, which is why I think this is fucking hilarious.
First of all, anyone who takes to the Internet to defend celebrities they’re probably never going to fuck is hysterically funny in a deluded weirdo sort of way. Even though we’re all now scarily capable of speaking to famous people with our computers, actually believing that you are fighting a battle for someone you don’t even know – and a battle over their butthole sex toy face, no less – is a million kinds of bizarre. It’s funny ha ha and funny strange (this is also how I describe my high school hairdos to people).
Second, how is having a butthole sex toy face negated by being a nice “lad?” Ryan Reynolds might be nice, I have no idea, but the face has nothing to do with the personality. I’m glad my parents taught me that looks weren’t everything, and that anyone who uses British phrases* is not to be trusted.
Third, of course it’s mean! That’s the point! You don’t like it, get the fuck off the Internet! What brought you here, recipe swapping? Give me a break and join the party.
Fourth, um, yeah, it’s funny. To begin with, it’s sort of alliterative, and everyone knows that’s funny. Then you have the word “butthole,” which everyone who reads this should know is one of the funniest words in the English language. By the rules of funny, what I said was funny. It was empirically funny. That’s called science. Look it up.
Fifth, who said that bald rubber buttholes were a bad thing? Sounds to me like this girl has a problem with her sexuality, or maybe she has a problem with someone else’s sexuality, that someone else being no one in particular but definitely someone who might find it erotic to put their dick in a bald rubber butthole purchased at a sex shop. Does this mean you’re gonna call me a faggot now? Willow Palin, is that you?
* I have no idea if she’s actually British. I don’t feel like researching it and because I believe in privacy, I blurred her full name so you’d be less inclined to do so**, as well.
** Yes, I know you could just go to my Twitter and find it. But that would require clicks and I think you’re all too busy looking at porn Tumblrs to do some research.