Let’s be honest, this is one of a lot of shit lists I’ve composed in my day, and lest you think I have some sort of problem with, like, behaving like a decent person, I’ll remind you that this option is far healthier than the alternative, which, I mean, I’ve never explored it or anything, but it probably involves weapons.

So.

Maura Kelly, the woman who wrote the “No Fatties” editorial/article for Marie Claire.  In case you missed this, Maura Kelly wrote a piece about how disgusted she was while watching a TV sitcom called “Mike and Molly” about two people who meet at Overeaters Anonymous.  She was mostly disgusted by the sight of the fat actors kissing (silly actors, fat people don’t have feelings!), but according to her, watching anyone who is obese do anything is the same thing as watching an alcoholic binge drink or a “heroine” addict shoot dope.  Maura Kelly wrote an apology soon after, blaming the situation on her editor, who asked for the piece, and her own past issues with anorexia.  This may actually be true, considering the fat-hating piece appeared in an issue with Victoria Beckham on the cover, and we all know how healthy an iceberg lettuce-only diet can be.

Charlie Sheen.  Jesus, man.

Cat Pick, the host of KDHX’s “Sound Salvation” on Monday mornings.  This woman is so unbelievably boring that I have no other choice but to count the times she ends sentences with “so there you go” during breaks (this morning it was twice in less than 3 minutes, though sometimes it’s more, or she just ends sentences with “sooo…”).  My favorite people on KDHX are the ones I can imagine hanging out with – not like actively hanging out, more like they’re reading while I’m on the computer or something – while they play music from their collections.  With Cat Pick, I imagine being trapped at a dinner party at her house while she lectures me about shitty Belle and Sebastian B-sides.

Girls whose blogs are primarily about how fucked up their lives are.  Like, they have apartments and jobs and lives, but they’re always going on about how they’re miserable (yet say “LOL” all the time), fat (they’re not), and always drunk/high/doing Adderall.  Being a mess on your own time is your deal, but acting like you’re sad about it when you’re actually just bragging about being ridiculous is so lame.

Christine O’Donnell, who I must point out just so fucking stupid, but really this is about Gawker.  I felt an iota of sympathy for Christine O’Donnell after Gawker ran an anonymous account by some dude who claimed to have had a one night stand with her a few years ago.  Which does make her look like a hypocrite considering her previous anti-sex and anti-masturbation comments, but I wonder what Gawker was trying to achieve.  Certainly a one night stand doesn’t make someone a slut and they’re in no position to make that accusation about anyone anyway, so it would seem as though, in their goal to be cleverer than everyone else in the world, they’re attacking a woman for…having sex?  Doing as she pleases with her vagina?  What?  Gawker’s defense is that “Christine O’Donnell is seeking federal office based in part on her self-generated, and carefully tended, image as a sexually chaste woman.  She lies about who she is; she tells that lie in service of an attempt to impose her private sexual values on her fellow citizens; and she’s running for Senate.” [itals. mine]

Uh…so?????  She’s running for political office and she’s not supposed to lie??? Since when is that not an option?  Or is it that she’s running for political office and is therefore required to provide the nation with a list of all past sexual partners for the sake of total transparency?  I mean, I understand the “this bitch is full of it” stance, especially when it comes to deluded right-wingers who want to be the bosses of our genitalia, but as an Internet media outlet, publishing an anonymous account of some asshole who fucked a drunk woman after a Halloween party in a bar three full years before she decided to run for the Senate and claiming that said publishing is a noble pursuit to save the nation from a secret sexbeast is shady and gross.

And further, she didn’t even have actual sex with the guy!  She went home and got naked with the guy, but he admits that no actual intercourse occurred.  Gawker still has a problem with this, stating that although she claims to be a virgin, her one night stand is the height of hypocrisy because “She simply took her own rules up to the edge and stopped there.”

Oh no!  A woman making her own rules for her own body and following/breaking them at will?  How terrible!  Gawker then goes on to cite a 1998 essay published in a “right wing journal” in which Christine O’Donnell accuses many purposefully technical Christian virgins of being impure.  Really, Gawker?  1998?  A person’s opinion or behavior is never allowed to change, even slightly, in a ten year span?  In 1998, I was attending Catholic high school and had only just begun to understand that abortion wasn’t the baby murdering machine I’d been raised to believe.  In 1997, I wrote an essay for English class about how evil and cruel it was; by 1999, I was getting kicked off the school paper’s staff for writing a pro-choice editorial.  While Christine O’Donnell was nearly 30 in 1998 and still has some obvious whack-a-doo issues, it’s unfair and lazy of Gawker to include the 1998 piece in their own defense.

Gawker is hardly an example of even barely respectable journalism, and they have a clear history of bitchy backlash when someone tells their dirty secrets on the Internet.  This is why I find their practice of backhanded slut hunting pretty reprehensible, and I wonder exactly what they plan to achieve with it (clicks? Bitch please, you’re getting those anyway. You’re not a fucking startup anymore.).  Like most Tea Partiers, Christine O’Donnell has no problem making herself out to be an idiotic nutjob, but these habits should have nothing to do with past relationships, no matter how brief or anonymous they may have been.  Let her ruin her image on her own.  She doesn’t need help from Gawker and their one night stand witch hunt.

Also…

Being an adult is about making yourself brussels sprouts with bacon fat, garlic, and parmesan and liking them, and then — because you’re mature, duh — deciding against calling your dad to taunt him because brussels sprouts really are good, just not the way he and your mother used to make them.

PS – I’m fully aware that I linked to Jezebel and then ranted against Gawker.  But whatever, it’s not like I love Jezebel always and hate Gawker completely.  I’m just saying that I know, okay?